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January 20: Take oath of office without ever removing lips from Tipper's.
January 21: Send McCain-Feingold Bill to Congress.
January 22-February 6: Cram in fundraising calls just in case it passes.
February 8: Clearcut something, just to rub it in Nader’s face.
February 10: Increase passion of kiss by factor of seven to reflect growing confidence in office.
February 11: Issue executive order to save Napster. Order DSL from Verizon.
February 12: Appoint Tommy Lee Jones to search out violence in Hollywood and terminate it with extreme prejudice.
February 14: Valentine’s Day. Gently maneuver tongue from standard kiss locality to "The Splitting of the Bamboo" position (consult "Art of Tantric Ecstasy," chapter 4).
February 16: Cancel afternoon meetings; wait home for Verizon.
February 20: Stand up to special interests.
February 21: Send letter of apology to special interests. Promise never to do it again.
February 23: Wait for Verizon.
March 3: Host kickball game on White House lawn. Try not to get picked last.
March 7: Place Social Security in iron-clad lock box. Take it out, just to peek. Tickle it. Put it back.
March 10: Wait for Verizon.
March 15: Get Tommy Lee Jones involved with new program: Strap a bomb to a movie and rig it to explode if the movie contains more than 50 acts of violence.
March 17: Replace weekly radio address with weekly radio lecture.
March 20: Commit military to new nation-building mission: construction of 1/5000th scale Lego nation in Pentagon basement.
March 23: In anticipation of opening day’s ceremonial first pitch, practice not throwing like a girl. (Consult Naomi Wolf on infield fly rule?)
April 2: Ask Tommy to introduce me to his agent.
April 10: Change national pastime from baseball to Trivial Pursuit.
April 13: Send military to France for nation-building mission. Rebuild nation with fewer berets, less bitter coffee.
April 15: Send script to Bill at DreamWorks.
April 18: Kiss enters third plane of non-being. Chakras explode.
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