Modern Humorist uses the real names of public figures for the purposes of satire. If we changed them, they might not recognize themselves. All other names are invented. If we happen to use the real name of someone who is not a public figure, it is accidental and coincidental, or it could be that we're out to get you.
This is the Modern Humorist web site (the "Site").
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We can be reached via e-mail at email@example.com. E-mail is a means of communication by which messages are transmitted electronically over the Internet.
The policies below are applicable to Modern Humorist and other sites on the World Wide Web portion of the Internet owned and operated by Modern Humorist. It is not applicable to sites not owned or operated by Modern Humorist. They have their own policies, which they ignore. We would never do that.
Your privacy on the Internet is important to us. Not as important as ending world hunger or saving the rainforest, but more important than funding the arts or fixing the leaky faucet in the back bathroom. As part of the operation of www.ModernHumorist.com and other Modern Humorist sites, we gather certain types of information about Modern Humorist users, and we would like to explain the types of information we gather, what we do with it and how to correct or change the information. This may take a while. Can we offer you a beverage?
Personal data is collected when users choose to provide personal data to Modern Humorist, for example in registering for electronic newsletters or other membership services, in answering surveys, purchasing items from Modern Humorist, and registering for contests and other promotional opportunities provided by Modern Humorist. We use this information to notify you regarding promotional offers or opportunities that may be of interest. Why anyone would knowingly sign up for junk mail is beyond us, but people do it all the time and we want a piece of that action. We may also aggregate this information to enable us to improve our site and we may share aggregated information with third parties. Except as required by law, Modern Humorist will not share with a third party any personally identifying information. Even if its a really wild party and weve had a few too many. If you have registered as a member through our online registration system and have subscribed to one or more of our e-mail newsletters and do not want to receive such e-mail newsletter(s) from us in the future, you may discontinue your subscriptions by sending an e-mail to Banterfirstname.lastname@example.org with the word UNSUBSCRIBE in the body of the message.
Modern Humorist collects basic information each time a person visits our site. For example, Modern Humorist collects domain names/IP addresses and referral sites. Modern Humorist does not link domain names to anything personally identifiable, so although your session will be logged, you will remain anonymous to us. Modern Humorist collects and aggregates this information in order to improve the overall quality of our site. This information can not help us improve the specific quality of individual pieces, sorry. We may provide aggregate traffic data to third parties for both advertising and promotional purposes, but it will not include any personally identifying information.
You may occasionally get cookies from our advertisers, which is standard in the Internet industry. Which makes it okay. Modern Humorist does not control these cookies, and these cookies are not subject to Modern Humorists privacy policies.
Children and Privacy
Modern Humorist is not intended for children under 18 years of age. Modern Humorist encourages parents and guardians to spend time with their children online, and to be fully familiar with the sites visited by their children. Modern Humorist believes that parents and guardians will be better parents and guardians if they take our advice. It is true that Modern Humorist has no children of its own, but we still think we know better than you do what is good for your children. Modern Humorist does not provide any personally identifying information, regardless of its source, to any third party for any purpose whatsoever unless disclosed during collection.
Links to Other Sites
It is important to note that Modern Humorist contains links to sites other than Modern Humorist, and that those sites may not follow the same privacy policies as Modern Humorist. For instance, if you click on an advertisement on Modern Humorist, this will take you away from Modern Humorist and to an entirely different site. So far youre like, duh, but wait: This can include links from advertisers, content providers and partners who may use Modern Humorists logo and or style as a result of a co-branding agreement. Sneaky, huh? These sites may send their own cookies to you, and may collect data and make uses of it that Modern Humorist would not.
PS: Our lawyer said "enough with the lawyer jokes." We say, never!
This Agreement sets forth the terms and conditions which apply to your use of the modernhumorist.com web site and other related sites (the "Service") which are offered to you by Modern Humorist, Inc. ("Modern Humorist"). BY USING THESE SITES, YOU AGREE TO THE TERMS OF THIS USAGE AGREEMENT JUST AS IF YOU HAD SIGNED THE USAGE AGREEMENT. If you do not agree to be bound by this Agreement, please discontinue your use of the Service. Leave Modern Humorist immediately. Go.
Restrictions on Use.
The Service is a computer online service. It is accessible to you through a personal computer, or other access device, at www.modernhumorist.com using a communications connection (e.g., modem and telephone line). As part of our Service, you will be provided with information, editorial content, links to other Web sites and other computer services that Modern Humorist may decide to offer, subject to the terms hereof. Modern Humorist may discontinue or alter any aspect of the Service, including, but not limited to, (i) restricting the time of availability, (ii) restricting the availability and/or scope of the Service for certain platforms (i.e., computer types and operating systems), (iii) restricting the amount of use permitted, and (iv) restricting or terminating any Users right to use the Service, at Modern Humorists sole discretion and without prior notice or liability. Don't make us do thisit'll hurt us more than it hurts you. You are responsible for all charges (e.g., telephone) associated with connecting to the Service through an available access number. You are also responsible for obtaining or providing all telephone access lines, telephone and computer equipment (including modem), or other access device, necessary to access the Service. You further certify that you are an individual (e.g., not a corporation). This Service is owned and operated by Modern Humorist and contains material which is derived in whole or in part from material supplied and owned by Modern Humorist and other sources, and is protected by copyright, trademark, and other applicable laws. You may not modify, copy, reproduce, republish, upload, post, transmit, publicly display, prepare derivative works based on, or distribute in any way any material from this Service including code and software ("Material"). You may download Material from this Service for your personal, non-commercial use only, provided you keep intact all copyright and other proprietary notices. In the event that you download Material from the Service, such Material is licensed to you by Modern Humorist and Modern Humorist does not transfer title to any such Material to you. In sum, 1. We're not going to buy you a computer or pay your phone bills. 2. Don't steal our stuff.
Rules and Guidelines
General Rules for Use of All Services.
Please review the terms of Modern Humorists Submission Policy posted elsewhere on www.modernhumorist.com. It isn't as tedious as this agreement, we promise.
Disclaimer of Warranties.
MODERN HUMORIST HAS PROVIDED LINKS AND POINTERS TO INTERNET SITES MAINTAINED BY THIRD PARTIES ("THIRD PARTY SITES") AND MAY FROM TIME TO TIME PROVIDE THIRD PARTY MATERIALS ON THIS SERVICE. NEITHER MODERN HUMORIST, ITS PARENT OR SUBSIDIARY COMPANIES NOR ITS AFFILIATES OR SUPPLIERS OPERATE OR CONTROL IN ANY RESPECT ANY INFORMATION, PRODUCTS OR SERVICES ON THESE THIRD PARTY SITES. THE MATERIALS IN THIS SERVICE AND THE THIRD PARTY SITES ARE PROVIDED "AS IS" AND WITHOUT WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EITHER EXPRESS OR IMPLIED. TO THE FULLEST EXTENT PERMISSIBLE PURSUANT TO APPLICABLE LAW, MODERN HUMORIST DISCLAIMS ALL WARRANTIES, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY, FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE AND NON-INFRINGEMENT. MODERN HUMORIST DOES NOT WARRANT THAT THE FUNCTIONS CONTAINED IN THE MATERIALS AND PRODUCTS WILL BE UNINTERRUPTED OR ERROR-FREE, THAT DEFECTS WILL BE CORRECTED, OR THAT THIS SERVICE, INCLUDING THE REGISTERED SERVICES, OR THE SERVER THAT MAKES THEM AVAILABLE, ARE FREE OF VIRUSES OR OTHER HARMFUL COMPONENTS. MODERN HUMORIST DOES NOT WARRANT OR MAKE ANY REPRESENTATIONS REGARDING THE USE OR THE RESULTS OF THE USE OF THE MATERIALS IN THIS SERVICE OR IN THIRD PARTY SITES IN TERMS OF THEIR CORRECTNESS, ACCURACY, TIMELINESS, RELIABILITY OR OTHERWISE. YOU ASSUME ALL RISK OF ERRORS AND/OR OMISSIONS IN THE SERVICE, INCLUDING THE TRANSMISSION OR TRANSLATION OF INFORMATION. YOU ASSUME FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR IMPLEMENTING SUFFICIENT PROCEDURES AND CHECKS TO SATISFY YOUR REQUIREMENTS FOR THE ACCURACY AND SUITABILITY OF THE SERVICE, INCLUDING THE INFORMATION, AND FOR MAINTAINING ANY MEANS WHICH YOU MAY REQUIRE FOR THE RECONSTRUCTION OF LOST DATA OR SUBSEQUENT MANIPULATIONS OR ANALYSES OF THE INFORMATION PROVIDED HEREUNDER. YOU ASSUME THE ENTIRE COST OF ALL NECESSARY MAINTENANCE, REPAIR OR CORRECTION. WE HAVE NEVER UNDERSTOOD WHY LAWYERS WRITE INCREDIBLY LONG PASSAGES IN ALL CAPSISN'T THE DRAMATIC EFFECT RUINED IN A PARAGRAPH OF THIS LENGTH? DOESN'T IT MAKE YOU WANT TO SKIP IT ALTOGETHER?
Limitation of Liability.
MY GOD, HERE THEY GO AGAIN! IN NO EVENT SHALL MODERN HUMORIST, ITS PARENT OR SUBSIDIARY COMPANIES OR ITS AFFILIATES OR SUPPLIERS BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, PUNITIVE, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, CONSEQUENTIAL OR OTHER DAMAGES ARISING OUT OF OR IN ANY WAY CONNECTED WITH THE USE OF THIS SERVICE OR WITH THE DELAY OR INABILITY TO USE THIS SERVICE, OR FOR ANY INFORMATION, SOFTWARE, PRODUCTS AND SERVICES OBTAINED THROUGH THIS SERVICE, OR OTHERWISE ARISING OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SERVICE, WHETHER BASED ON CONTRACT, TORT, STRICT LIABILITY OR OTHERWISE, EVEN IF MODERN HUMORIST OR ANY OF ITS SUBSIDIARY COMPANIES, AFFILIATES OR SUPPLIERS HAS BEEN ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF DAMAGES. YOU SPECIFICALLY ACKNOWLEDGE AND AGREE THAT MODERN HUMORIST, ITS PARENT OR SUBSIDIARY COMPANIES, AFFILIATES OR SUPPLIERS SHALL NOT BE LIABLE FOR ANY DEFAMATORY, OFFENSIVE OR ILLEGAL CONDUCT OF ANY USER OF THIS SERVICE. SOME STATES DO NOT ALLOW LIMITATIONS ON HOW LONG AN IMPLIED WARRANTY LASTS, SO THE ABOVE LIMITATION MAY NOT APPLY TO YOU. SOME STATES DO NOT ALLOW THE EXCLUSION OR LIMITATION OF INCIDENTAL OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES, SO THE ABOVE LIMITATION OR EXCLUSION MAY NOT APPLY TO YOU. THIS WARRANTY GIVES YOU SPECIFIC LEGAL RIGHTS, AND YOU MAY ALSO HAVE OTHER RIGHTS WHICH VARY FROM STATE TO STATE.
You agree to defend, indemnify and hold harmless Modern Humorist, its affiliates and their respective directors, officers, employees and agents from and against any and all claims, actions, suits or proceedings, as well as any and all losses, liabilities, damages, costs and expenses (including reasonable attorneys fees) arising out of or accruing from (a) any material posted or otherwise provided by you that infringes any copyright, trademark, trade secret, trade dress, patent or other intellectual property right of any person or defames any person or violates their rights of publicity or privacy, (b) any misrepresentation made by you in connection with your use of the Service; (c) any non-compliance by you with the terms and conditions of this Agreement; and (d) claims brought by persons or entities other than the parties to this Usage Agreement arising from or related to your access and use of the Service, including the information obtained through the Service. In short, if you get sued, you're on your own. Good luck and godspeed.
This Agreement and the license rights granted hereunder shall remain in full force and effect unless terminated, suspended, or canceled for any of the following reasons: (a) immediately upon receipt of written notice by Modern Humorist of its intent to terminate this Agreement, (b) upon thirty (30) days written notice by you to Modern Humorist that you wish to terminate this Agreement; (c) immediately by Modern Humorist for any unauthorized access or use by you, including, without limitation (i) concurrent access of the Service with identical user identification numbers, (ii) permitting another person or entity to use your user identification number to access the Service, or (iii) any other access or use of the Service except as expressly provided in this Agreement; or (d) immediately, if you violate the terms and conditions of this Agreement or the rules and regulations relating to the use of, or tamper with or alter any of the software and/or data files contained in, or accessed through, the Service. Termination, suspension, or cancellation of this Agreement or your access rights shall not affect any right or relief to which Modern Humorist may be entitled, at law or in equity. Upon termination of this Agreement, all rights granted to you will terminate and revert to Modern Humorist and its licensors. Congratulations! You've reached the 2,458th word of this agreement!
Modern Humorist is a trademark of Modern Humorist, Inc., and all other trademarks, service marks and trade names used on the Service are the property of their respective owners, and all of the above trademarks may not be copied, downloaded or otherwise exploited without the permission of Modern Humorist or the owner of such trademark, servicemark or trade name. You may, however, continue to eat bananas.
The Services are not meant for children under the age of 18 years old Should you allow your minor child, or a child for whom you are legal guardian (a "Minor"), use the Services, you agree that you shall be solely responsible for: (a) the online conduct of such Minor; (b) monitoring such Minors access to and use of the Service; and (c) the consequences of any use of the Service by such Minor. Modern Humorist is not a replacement for good parenting, but a 13-year-old babysitter is.
Child Online Protection Act Notification.
Pursuant to 47 U.S.C. Section 230(d), as amended, Modern Humorist hereby notifies you that parental control protections (such as computer hardware, software, or filtering services) are commercially available that may assist you in limiting access to material that is harmful to minors. Information identifying current providers of such protections is available at the Electronic Frontier Foundation website, http://www.eff.org/pub/Censorship/Ratings_filters_ labelling/, and at the America Links Up website, http://www.netparents.org/parentstips/browsers.html. As we said, they made us write this.
Modern Humorist, pursuant to 17 U.S.C. Section 512 as amended by Title II of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (the "Act"), reserves the right, but not the obligation, to terminate your license to use the Service if it determines in its sole and absolute discretion that you are involved in infringing activity, including alleged acts of first-time or repeat infringement, regardless of whether the material or activity is ultimately determined to be infringing. Modern Humorist accommodates and does not interfere with standard technical measures used by copyright owners to protect their materials. In addition, pursuant to 17 U.S.C. Section 512(c), Modern Humorist has implemented procedures for receiving written notification of claimed infringements and for processing such claims in accordance with the Act. Our designated agent to receive notification of claimed infringement is:
By e-mail: email@example.com
Here's how to sue: In addition, any written notice regarding any defamatory or infringing activity, whether of a copyright, patent, trademark or other proprietary right, should be sent to our designated agent, listed above, and must include the following information:
Modern Humorist reserves the right to amend this Agreement, and to modify, add or discontinue any aspect, content, or feature of the Service. This is our prerogative as flaky creative types. Such amendments, modifications, additions or deletions shall become effective upon notice thereof, which may be provided to you by posting on the Service, via e-mail or any other reasonable means. Continued use of the Service by you shall be deemed to indicate your acceptance of any such amendments, modifications, additions or deletions.
Export Control Information.
Unless otherwise specified, the materials on this Service are presented solely to provide information regarding and to promote Modern Humorists Services and other products available in the United States, its territories, possessions and protectorates. This Service is controlled and operated by Modern Humorist from its offices within the state of New York, United States of America. Modern Humorist makes no representation that materials on this Service are appropriate or available for use outside the United States. Those who choose to access this Service from outside the United States do so on their own initiative and are responsible for compliance with local laws, if and to the extent that local laws are applicable. Software from this Service is further subject to United States export controls. No software from this Service may be downloaded or otherwise exported or re-exported (A) into (or to a national or resident of) Cuba, Iraq, Libya, North Korea, Iran, Syria, or any other country to which the U.S. has embargoed goods, or (B) to anyone on the U.S. Treasury Department list of Specially Designated Nationals or the U.S. Commerce Departments Table of Deny Orders. By using the Service, you represent and warrant that you are not located in, under the control of, or a national or resident of any such country or on any such list. They are bad, bad people who have done very, very bad things.
This agreement shall be governed by and construed in accordance with the laws of the State of New York without giving effect to any principles of conflicts of law. You may not assign any of your rights, obligations or privileges hereunder without the prior written consent of Modern Humorist. Any dispute arising from the terms of this agreement or a breach of this agreement will be governed the laws of New York. By using the Service, you agree to the personal jurisdiction by the state and federal courts sitting in the State of New York. This agreement constitutes the entire agreement between the parties with respect to the subject matter contained herein and supersedes all previous and contemporaneous agreements, proposals and communications, written or oral, between Modern Humorist representatives and you. Any assignment other than as provided for in this Section shall be null and void, ab initio. Note first use of Latin! If any provision of this agreement shall be unlawful, void, or for any reason unenforceable, then that provision shall be deemed severable from this agreement and shall not affect the validity and enforceability of any remaining provisions. This Agreement and any posted operating rules constitute the entire agreement of the parties with respect to the subject matter hereof, and supersede all prior or contemporaneous communications and proposals, whether oral or written, between the parties with respect to such subject matter. No waiver by either party of any breach or default hereunder shall be deemed a waiver of any subsequent breach or default. The titles and subtitles used in this Agreement are used for convenience only and are not to be considered in construing or interpreting this Agreement. If you are still reading this agreement, have you considered law school?