Shop the MH Superstore!

[ 1 | 2 ]

From: Department of Justice, Janet Reno

To: Lázaro González et al.

Saturday, April 22
2:30 a.m.

By 3:45 a.m. on Saturday, April 22, Elián González and no fewer than 57 of his 120 Pokemon cards (including Charmander) will be delivered to the Miami Federal Courthouse accompanied by Lázaro González, his family and Donato the fisherman. He must leave behind his Sega Dreamcast, his Blue’s Clues pajamas, and his "Up yours, Fidel!" t-shirt.

No members of the González family can be armed except with a smile. U.S. Marshals will be armed with no fewer than 22 automatic weapons. The guns at all times will be pointed slightly to the left of the six-year-old boy (perhaps at Marisleysis González).

Cuban-American singer Gloria Estefan and ethnic actor Andy Garcia must remain 600 feet from U.S. Marshals at all times. Garcia’s moustache will be shaved on sight.

Our sources tell us that the volatile demonstrators may be armed with guns, knives, and ceramic statues of the Virgin Mary. To be prepared we will bring pepper spray and are ready to use it on Lázaro González, Paraslaysis González, Donato the fisherman and Ricardo the carpenter.

Any cameraman from the network responsible for "Daddio" will be kicked in the stomach repeatedly.

Throughout the operation Elián will be comforted by a female, Spanish-speaking immigration agent who will explain what is happening to the boy and sing to him the love songs of Ibrahim Ferrer.

U.S. Marshals will fly Elián, Lázaro González, Maricoleslawsis González, Donato the fisherman and Miguel the barber to Washington, D.C. The in-flight movie will be the Chevy Chase vehicle Snow Day.

Upon arrival at Andrews Air Force Base, the group will be whisked away to a secret underground lair where Juan González will be waiting with season passes to Busch Gardens and the biggest goddamn jellybean you’ve ever seen.

Juan González will receive his son tearfully from Lázaro González, Marislayer González, Donato the fisherman and Jeff the cable repairman. The boy will be evaluated on the spot by three neutral psychologists and Dr. Laura Schlesinger.

Juan González and Elián will participate in an open-ended, joint living arrangement with Lázaro González, Marijuana González, Donato the fisherman and Andre the giant. Juan González must clean the second-floor bathroom Mondays and Wednesdays and Lazaro González must mow the lawn whenever he’s out front with reporters.

Until the courts issues an order, custody of Elián will be shared by Juan González, Janet Reno, Donato the fisherman and Jude the Obscure.

[ 1 | 2 ]

Click here to see the comments from Elián's Miami relatives

Copyright 2011 Modern Humorist, Inc.
All Rights Reserved.
Modern Humorist is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.