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After a rigorous
screening process in which more than 40,000 applicants submitted lengthy personal statements with lots of exclamation points, fifty finalists were chosen to undergo a stamina test: walk sixty blocks with a full bladder, enter a restaurant to use its facilities, get kicked out. Repeat.

Out of the fifty finalists, we chose the ones who looked the prettiest, and threw in some old people for good measure.

Single, cab driver
QUOTE: "I've had Dr. Ruth chirping in my ear about seatbelts since '97—what do I have to lose?"

RUDY, 55
Almost separated, mayor
QUOTE: "The reason that I'm such a fortunate man is that I have people that love me and I love them, and they care for me and I care for them."

UMA, 30
Married, actress
QUOTE: "This reminds me of my role in 'Beautiful Girls'—challenging but not too challenging."

JOHN, 80
Single, cardinal
QUOTE: "I'm fit as a fiddle and totally psyched!"
Single, a boy
QUOTE: "I like bugs and sticks and bottlecaps."

"Single," talk show host
QUOTE: "I can’t wait to be stranded on the island with the cast of the Tony-award-winning ‘Lion King.’"

Married, NYPD officer
QUOTE: "I will be the only contestant with a gun. This will help me."

SEAN, 30
Single, rap impresario
QUOTE: "I'm packing a big surprise for Warren."

Single, Amish vendor at the Union Square Green Market
QUOTE: "All the Amish people are buying televisions just to watch me! Isn’t that ironic, and hypocritical, and just plain upsetting?"

SKIP, 23
Single, has trust fund
QUOTE: "I'm not exactly thrilled about this contest or anything, but Dad said it was this or back to rehab."

CANDACE, "I'm not telling"
Single, former sex columnist
QUOTE: "I can kill my own food with my Manolo Blahniks."

RICK, 26
Single, stock trader
QUOTE: "I'm an asshole, and assholes always win."


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Modern Humorist is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.