BEEN A LOT OF TALK about who my running mate for the president
is going to be, maybe too much talk. Or who the running mate
will be until Im the president, or if its a she,
then a woman. And the most important thing isno litmus
test, I dont need Hispanics, I know how to speak Spanishthat
if theres a heartbeat that stops, just one heartbeat,
then this person can build a compassionate bridge to the conservatism
of the 21st century. Because Im a uniter not a divider,
although I do know division as well. I did very well at math,
Im just not that interested. But I can do it. Really.
This has been a long race and still will be a long race
to come. My opponent, hes afraid to talk about issues,
so he says the nasty things. One of them is about baseballyou
know, I used to own the Texas Rangers, a good team, a fine team.
I have plenty of leadership experience, by the way. My opponent
said, George W. Bush was born on third base and thinks
he hit a triple. And, you know, I appreciate the concern,
but we got Condi Rice here to field those ground balls. Sometimes
people say a vice president cant be too smart, too intellectual,
smarty-smarty-poo-poo. They say that because of making the candidate
looking stupid, which Im not, you know. But it got me
thinking, because I will think if someone asks me to. Why not
the man who bore me on third base?
And so, I am proud to announce my candidate for the pick
of the vice president: George Herbert Walker Bush, or, as hell
be known from now on, Herb, or President Herb, so as not to
confuse Jebs little brown ones, right, Dad? Herb is a
leader, not a divisiver. He knows how short the heartbeat can
be, just one heartbeat, and he is prepared to serve after that
heartbeat. Hes already served, actually. This party, the
Republican party, we are the party of families, and we know
how to make families.
President Herb is uniquely qualified for the job. He knows
how well a president can be vice president, and he knows because
Gerald Ford didnt want to be Reagans vice president,
and thats why we got President Herb in the first place,
after Reagan said no way to Ford and then picked Dad, so after
eight years of being vice president he then spent four years
as president and knows how to weather a crisis. Or even crises.
He knows how to wipe off his shoes and move on after throwing
up on foreign leaders. And President Herb knows about foreign
policy, too, which some peopleagain, wrong, theyre
wrongthink I dont know enough about, but President
Herb sits on the boards of many large companies, some of which
are based in other countries, some of which have offices here
but also have big offices in other countries, some even in the
countries where he threw up. Plus, he once ran an oil company.
And oil is important, for driving and also for other things.
Most importantly, President Herb and I can work well together,
and we trust each other. I know how to tell him to leave me
aloneDad, you know, Ill quit drinking on my own.
Or, Dad, I do not need to get a real job! And he knows when
to tell me things I need to hear: You will not serve in the
armed forces! Or even show up for the National Guard! Put me
right in my place.
You know, there are a lot of good Republicans who could
have been vice president, or president if there was a heartbeat.
Some are women, like Liddy Dole. Some are black, like J.C. Watts.
Some are crazy, like John McCain. And some like to kill babies,
like Tom Ridge
just kidding Tom, you know I love you.
We got a big tent here in the GOP, with a lot of room in it,
a lot of room for a lot of party. So, you might ask, why not
the woman? Well, she knows less than me. American Red Cross,
not very impressivesorry, Bob, but shes not, plus
she looks like a villain in a Batman movie. And why not a black
one? Well, for one thing, hes a little, um, doesnt
appeal to the suburbs. Otnay itewhay, if you know what I mean.
No point in alienating the base. And McCain? Sure, he got shot
down, hes a big hero, a Straight Talker, and people like
him. But what you dont know: Hes crazy as a loonwants
to blow stuff up. For real. Trust me on this one. Remember Stockdale?
I bet Perot wishes he didnt, either.
President Herb isnt going to campaign a lot, and
hes not going to speak at the convention this year. No
more no new taxes. No needAmericans know him,
know uswere Herb and Dubya, father and son, daddy
and his boy, pa and little pal. A vote for us is a vote for
a thousand points ofthat is, a vote for compassion and
conservatism, social and security, lethal and injection. Come
November, we two Bushes will return optimisticism to America
and make this nation a can-do country again instead of a can-dont
one. Keep it in the family. God bless, and good night.