I STAND by George W. Bush
you for bringing me here to Philadelphia. This has been
a long road to hoe, and we had to use some big hoes,
but we're finally here, we finally made it. Let me give
some thanks out to those people who are thankful, or
who we are thanking for: to my parents, Dad and Bar,
great parents, only a so-so president. Just kidding,
Dad, but you still don't get to speak. Sorry. No, I'm
serious. Sit down.
P. Bush will stand behind George W. stage-right and
take a long, slow bow. Pause for applause.
most importantly, the people I want to thank with the
most importance because these are the people who make
me important, to the millions of Americans who had faith
in the Democratic process and scrimped and saved and
sent in donations of $10 and $20 and $2,000 plus $20,000
per person in soft money, so we could spend $50 million
more than any other Republican to win this coronation.
I mean nomination. Thank you to you proud Americans.
It is because of you that I am here today, and not someone
else who did not have those strong ties to business
and faith and the future.
P. holds up hand to each ear, working crowd for applause.
know that at times over the past two years, there've
been some stumbling blocks. Do I have a plan? Do I have
enough experience? Am I ready to build a new kind of
compassionate drawbridge to the new century that we've
just started, or will start next year, depending on
what your view is on all of that? And the answers are:
yes; no, but I'm a people person so it doesn't matter;
P. dances "The Hustle." Five-minute pause for applause.
Red, white and brown balloons drop with pictures of
George P. and the slogan, "Caliente!"
do have a plan, a lot of plans, and some of it which
I worked out just this weekend. You know, people have
told me I didn't have any specifics. Nothing with specificity
there for them to look at me with, and I told them,
just wait, just you wait and I'll show you specifics.
And for every day between now and the election that
is happening in November, I will lay down one specific,
one very specific for my plan of administration. That's
more than 100 specifics. And tonight I want to give
you the first three.
is specific one of the Bush 2000 initiatives. I care
about the environment, and a cornerstone of my administration
will be the zoning of the laws in the yards. You know,
we need to get big government out of little people.
And so I am here with specific one to say that the Bush
administration will end zoning of the law in yards on
Boca Raton, Florida. Boca Raton is a beautiful city.
Good mayor, Carol Hanson, she's a good woman. But those
laws are just really making folks crazy, and affecting
prosperity, keeping the prosperity from the people.
Can't grow your grass more than 1/2 inch? Well in America,
you damn well can!
P. takes off his necktie and flings it to the crowd.
Have stretcher and paramedics on hand for Liddy Dole.
as you know, the Republicans care about order, we're
the party of law and order. Down in Texas, I like to
say, we don't appreciate people who come and break the
law. So we kill the buggers. No, no, just kidding, we
only kill the black ones. Anyway, I have some big law
and order initiatives for some big times. And some specific
ones, like Specific Initiative Two of the Bush 2000
platform. In Huntsville, Alabama, some of the kids in
Huntsville, they've been drinking and once smashed up
a plate-glass window. Now I know all about what it's
like to be young and irresponsible. I was a young and
irresponsible once. But this is gone too far. So for
the next four years I will impose a specific curfew
of 9 p.m. on all teenagers in Huntsville, Alabama. Or
9:30. Dick Cheney's looking into that right now.
P. begins to slowly unbutton his shirt. Make sure Secret
Service is in place to restrain Ann Coulter.
I've been going around the country, vouching for schools.
And recently, I was in Tacoma, talking to a small carefully
selected group of parents with their children who wouldn't
cry or grab my nose, you know, or piddle in their pants,
because that wouldn't be good for the news, or for the
country. And one of the parents, it was a mother parent,
said, you know, George, "I'm a Baptist. And there's
no Baptistism day school for my preschooler." And that's
just wrong. And so I introduce you to specific three
of the Bush 2000 initiative: The government will get
out of your life, and we will build you a Baptist dayschool
for kids in Tacoma. That I can promise you.
P. kicks off one shoe into the crowd. Try to aim at
they are, the specifics three to a better and bigger
America. We have a lot of other specificities, about
gravesite taxes and Clarence Thomas. But those will
all come due in the time. For now, remember, 1-2-3,
more grass, more sleep, and more Baptists.
George P. undoes belt-buckle. Put riot police on high
you, and God bless, and good night.