GOP convention production staff
From: James C. "Chip" DiPaula, Convention Manager
Re: Important considerations for ensuring a successful convention
The "Applause" light is programmed to automatically illuminate
every eight seconds. All speeches have been written with
this rhythm in mind. Speeches must run on time! If for
some reason things get out of sync and it appears that
the light is going to coincide with a mention of Al Gore
or an anecdote about Gulf War Syndrome, the stage manager
is to immediately deactivate it. Dead silence is
preferable to applause for the phrase "on the other hand."
Carefully scattered throughout the crowd you will find
paid representatives of all major ethnic groups (including
Negroes), as well as a cripple, a homosexual cripple, a crack baby
and a woman. When panning to the guests, disproportionate
attention to these individuals is advised. However, in
order to avoid giving the impression that they are mere
tokens, each will be quietly airlifted to a new section
of the floor every six minutes. At any given time their
locations can be determined by looking at the audience
and spotting them.
At all times, the Green Room is to be well-stocked with
appropriate snacks and beverages, including: baloney sandwiches
on white bread with mayo, roast beef sandwiches on white
bread with mayo, and salami on Philip-Morris tobacco leaves
with ExxonMobil unleaded. One of the room's TV monitors
should be showing the convention floor, and the other
should be connected to a VCR playing "In The Line of Fire"
on auto-repeat. Drinks are to be Jolt, Barq's Root Beer,
and Zima. Under no circumstances should the cabinet containing
Chivas Regal and Carbonated Truth Serum be unlocked.
This year's balloon drop will be even more challenging
than usual, largely because it will coincide with former
president Ronald Reagan parachuting in holding a banner reading "One more for the Gipper!" In the
likely event that Reagan gets tangled in the banner, cut
to the reel of political bloopers (Ford tripping, Dole
falling off stage, Bauer falling off stage, Truman crashing
into open car door while biking, Johnson calling Kennedy
Although it is an ancient faith, many Republicans continue
to take Christianity surprisingly seriously. Try to avoid production
techniques that could be interpreted as insensitive, such
as playing spooky music during Billy Graham's benediction
or crucifying Dennis Hastert. On Thursday, Graham is going
to bring Senator Arlen Specter home to Jesus. But don't
tell Arlen! His surprise will make great television.
The whole world will be watching this event, including
hostile nations. For this reason, the threat of a foreign
attack is not to be overlooked. If an enemy army invades
the floor, don't panicjust blast the Batman theme
song through the center's 330 high-fidelity Bose speakers.
Because Philadelphia's First Union Center is normally
a sports arena, there is the possibility that a speech
or other activity will overlap with a previously scheduled
sporting event. If this happens, all convention attendees
are to be quietly ushered out of the center, except those
who wish to stay and watch the game. Be politeit's
our own fault that we didn't reserve the space ahead of
Security has advised us that John McCain may use his speech
as an opportunity to convey clandestine messages to friends
and supporters via a complex set of short and long facial
tics, much like Morse Code. In order to minimize the amount
of distraction this causes, sound operators are to play
prerecorded gunshots over each tic, creating the illusion
that McCain is merely being shot at.
Genomics will be taking DNA samples of all the delegates,
just in case something happens to them. Explain that it's for their own good. If the men have
difficulty producing semen, fix this.
the state-of-the-art arena podium rises very rapidly,
there may be some injuries or deaths. Bite your lip and
first privately funded lunar probe will leave from the
convention center on Thursday at 5pm. Get out of the way.
Dole is allergic to poison ivy. Do not rub it on her body.
there will be many prominent politicians and other well-known
personalities at the event, get as many autographs as
to God that everything runs smoothly despite the many
thousands of hours that violent radicals have spent praying
for the exact opposite.