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To: GOP convention production staff
From: James C. "Chip" DiPaula, Convention Manager
Re: Important considerations for ensuring a successful convention

The "Applause" light is programmed to automatically illuminate every eight seconds. All speeches have been written with this rhythm in mind. Speeches must run on time! If for some reason things get out of sync and it appears that the light is going to coincide with a mention of Al Gore or an anecdote about Gulf War Syndrome, the stage manager is to immediately deactivate it. Dead silence is preferable to applause for the phrase "on the other hand."

Camera Close-Ups
Carefully scattered throughout the crowd you will find paid representatives of all major ethnic groups (including Negroes), as well as a cripple, a homosexual cripple, a crack baby and a woman. When panning to the guests, disproportionate attention to these individuals is advised. However, in order to avoid giving the impression that they are mere tokens, each will be quietly airlifted to a new section of the floor every six minutes. At any given time their locations can be determined by looking at the audience and spotting them.

Backstage Preparations
At all times, the Green Room is to be well-stocked with appropriate snacks and beverages, including: baloney sandwiches on white bread with mayo, roast beef sandwiches on white bread with mayo, and salami on Philip-Morris tobacco leaves with ExxonMobil unleaded. One of the room's TV monitors should be showing the convention floor, and the other should be connected to a VCR playing "In The Line of Fire" on auto-repeat. Drinks are to be Jolt, Barq's Root Beer, and Zima. Under no circumstances should the cabinet containing Chivas Regal and Carbonated Truth Serum be unlocked.

The Balloon Drop
This year's balloon drop will be even more challenging than usual, largely because it will coincide with former president Ronald Reagan parachuting in holding a banner reading "One more for the Gipper!" In the likely event that Reagan gets tangled in the banner, cut to the reel of political bloopers (Ford tripping, Dole falling off stage, Bauer falling off stage, Truman crashing into open car door while biking, Johnson calling Kennedy "mom," etc.).

Religious Sensitivity
Although it is an ancient faith, many Republicans continue to take Christianity surprisingly seriously. Try to avoid production techniques that could be interpreted as insensitive, such as playing spooky music during Billy Graham's benediction or crucifying Dennis Hastert. On Thursday, Graham is going to bring Senator Arlen Specter home to Jesus. But don't tell Arlen! His surprise will make great television.

Foreign Invasions
The whole world will be watching this event, including hostile nations. For this reason, the threat of a foreign attack is not to be overlooked. If an enemy army invades the floor, don't panic—just blast the Batman theme song through the center's 330 high-fidelity Bose speakers.

Scheduling Conflicts
Because Philadelphia's First Union Center is normally a sports arena, there is the possibility that a speech or other activity will overlap with a previously scheduled sporting event. If this happens, all convention attendees are to be quietly ushered out of the center, except those who wish to stay and watch the game. Be polite—it's our own fault that we didn't reserve the space ahead of time.

Secret Codes
Security has advised us that John McCain may use his speech as an opportunity to convey clandestine messages to friends and supporters via a complex set of short and long facial tics, much like Morse Code. In order to minimize the amount of distraction this causes, sound operators are to play prerecorded gunshots over each tic, creating the illusion that McCain is merely being shot at.

Miscellaneous Notes

Celera Genomics will be taking DNA samples of all the delegates, just in case something happens to them. Explain that it's for their own good. If the men have difficulty producing semen, fix this.

Since the state-of-the-art arena podium rises very rapidly, there may be some injuries or deaths. Bite your lip and move on.

The first privately funded lunar probe will leave from the convention center on Thursday at 5pm. Get out of the way.

Elizabeth Dole is allergic to poison ivy. Do not rub it on her body.

Because there will be many prominent politicians and other well-known personalities at the event, get as many autographs as possible.

Pray to God that everything runs smoothly despite the many thousands of hours that violent radicals have spent praying for the exact opposite.

Have fun!

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