To the 2000 Republican National Convention:

As Republicans, you no doubt are aware of George W. Bush's aggressive stance on capital punishment, including the fact that 134 inmates in Texas prisons have been executed since he became governor. Though an excellent policy, even excellence has room for improvement. There are any number of execution-worthy offenses that are allowed to slide every single day. Consider: right now, somewhere in this country, a telemarketer is calling someone, just as they sit down to supper, with an offer of cheaper long-distance service. Any last meal requests, Mr. Telemarketer?

And that's just the beginning. Right now, in Texas of all places, Billy Ray Cyrus is walking around, free as the breeze. Surely, it would be a simple matter to have him picked up by the local police and fed to alligators.

We urge you to lobby for a slightly stricter death penalty as part of the GOP platform. Executing murderers and traitors is fine, but consider what a powerful deterrent capital punishment would be if applied to the following offenses:

  • Driving an SUV and complaining bitterly about gasoline prices

  • Bringing a newborn on a plane, or to the movies, or anywhere

  • Confronting a person who's undergone a hideous tragedy, thrusting a microphone in his face, and asking how he feels

  • Informing the waitstaff that it is your birthday, simply because you like being sung to and receiving free cake

  • Discussing the JonBenet Ramsey case as if you're the only person in the whole world who's figured out what really happened

  • Being Joe Eszterhas

  • Dressing your twins in identical outfits

  • Performing any sort of lawn maintenance before noon on a Saturday

  • Using "i.e." when you mean "e.g."

  • And vice-versa.
We think you'll agree: A stricter death penalty means a safer, stronger America. An America free from strife, free from fear, and-most importantly-free from Joe Eszterhas.

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