the 2000 Republican National Convention:
Republicans, you no doubt are aware of George W. Bush's aggressive
stance on capital punishment, including the fact that 134 inmates
in Texas prisons have been executed since he became governor.
Though an excellent policy, even excellence has room for improvement.
There are any number of execution-worthy offenses that are allowed
to slide every single day. Consider: right now, somewhere in
this country, a telemarketer is calling someone, just as they
sit down to supper, with an offer of cheaper long-distance service.
Any last meal requests, Mr. Telemarketer?
that's just the beginning. Right now, in Texas of all places,
Billy Ray Cyrus is walking around, free as the breeze. Surely,
it would be a simple matter to have him picked up by the local
police and fed to alligators.
urge you to lobby for a slightly stricter death penalty as part
of the GOP platform. Executing murderers and traitors is fine,
but consider what a powerful deterrent capital punishment would
be if applied to the following offenses:
think you'll agree: A stricter death penalty means a safer,
stronger America. An America free from strife, free from fear,
and-most importantly-free from Joe Eszterhas.
Driving an SUV and complaining bitterly about gasoline prices
Bringing a newborn on a plane, or to the movies, or anywhere
Confronting a person who's undergone a hideous tragedy,
thrusting a microphone in his face, and asking how he feels
Informing the waitstaff that it is your birthday, simply
because you like being sung to and receiving free cake
Discussing the JonBenet Ramsey case as if you're the only
person in the whole world who's figured out what really
Being Joe Eszterhas
Dressing your twins in identical outfits
Performing any sort of lawn maintenance before noon on a
Using "i.e." when you mean "e.g."