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NOTE: There is a typo in your official schedule. The theme for the Republican Convention is "Renewing America's Porpoise. Together."

Headsets will be available in the lobby for those who need simultaneous translation of Republican rhetoric into comprehensible English.

Monday: "Opportunity with a Porpoise: Leave No Child Alone"
Scheduled Protests: Coalition for Campaign Finance Reform, PETA, Greenpeace, Woody Harrelson's Hemp Rights

8 a.m. The Pledge of Allegiance will not be read by a blind mountain climber, as previously announced, but by a nearsighted scuba diver. The blind mountain climber is currently lost on the Schuylkill Expressway.

Mon.-Thurs., various times. "Compassion videos" will be projected onto three screens hanging over the stage in the First Union Center. Their subjects will include: nonpartisan acts of kindness between strangers; the judge who kept Neil Bush out of jail when he got mixed up in the S&L scandal; and rare white tiger cubs playing in the grass.

9 a.m. "A Tribute to Senator Coverdell." A look at a man whose warmth and accomplishments will not be forgotten until the last damn quarter is sucked out of his re-election fund.

11 a.m. Mrs. Laura Bush will speak on improving education in our schools and in our Governors' Mansions.

1 p.m. On-Site Execution: Due to complaints from several human rights groups, the electrocution of death row inmate Doug Montgomery has been cancelled. Instead, Montgomery will receive a lethal injection, administered by one lucky member of the audience.

3 p.m. Colin Powell will speak about whatever he wants, for as long as he wants. Take your time, General.

Tuesday: "Strength and Security with a Porpoise: Safe in Our Homes, Guns by Our Sides"
Scheduled Protests: Save the Chesapeake Bay, NAACP, Kansas State Rifle Association, Primate Rights

Notice: The flag hanging over the West Entrance will be the American flag, not the Confederate flag as previously stated. We apologize for any confusion.

9 a.m. Panel discussion of defense policy, specifically our "armies of compassion," our "missiles of hope" and our "heavy artillery of kindness."

10:30 a.m. A satellite transmission from the deck of the USS New Jersey, where former Gen. Norman H. Schwarzkopf will talk about how to keep the American military strong enough to confront future potential threats from starving and confused Iraqi teenagers trying to surrender. After the speech, conventioneers who would like a real military experience will be vaccinated with the same harmless cocktail of experimental drugs given to soldiers in the Gulf War.

1 p.m. "¿Está Susana en casa?" George W., in a demonstration of his concern and interest in the issues impacting Hispanic Americans, will answer questions in Spanish from a carefully chosen audience that is interested in knowing whether Susana is in the house, and whether she is in the kitchen or the living room.

2 p.m. Joint speech, Elizabeth Dole and John McCain: "Whatever, I didn't want the job anyway."

Tribute to our former Republican presidents:
3:03-3:05 p.m. Hoover, Nixon, Ford
3:06 onwards: Real-time reenactment of the Reagan/Bush years

6 p.m. Tribute to "The Greatest Generation"

7 p.m. Tribute to "Tuesdays with Morrie"

8 p.m. Tribute to "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire"

9:30 p.m. Evening performance: Eminem. (Language may be unsuitable for children under 18 and delegates from Utah.)

Wednesday: "Prosperity with a Porpoise: Keeping America Perspiring"
Scheduled Protests: Peaceable Texans for Firearms Rights, Rock the Vote, John Birch Society, Stop Prisoner Rape, Arianna Huffington

Notice: After consultation with the delegates from South Carolina, it has been decided that the Confederate flag will hang alongside the American flag over the West Entrance, as a symbol of heritage.

10 a.m. Theodore Roosevelt IV will discuss promising Republican solutions to environmental problems. William Howard Taft IV will offer exciting Republican techniques for stuffing eight hot dogs in your mouth at the same time. John D. Rockefeller IV will speak about sucking the earth dry.

11 a.m. Dick Cheney: "How I talked everyone else out of it."

1 p.m. The Pile-'O-Money Swim: Due to a last-minute increase in funding, we are proud to announce that the Pile-'O-Money Swim will take place in a pile of $50 bills instead of $20. (Thanks, Philip Morris!) After the swim, please join the Smith & Wesson Sip 'N Shoot. Co-hosted by Tanqueray, this mixer is sure to loosen conventioneers' triggers and tongues.

4 p.m. Tennessee Senator Bill Frist will no longer be giving the speech detailing the GOP's prescription drug plan. That address will be delivered, tag-team poetry-slam style, by the CEOs of the top five pharmaceutical companies. (Don't worry, no NEA money backed this poetry slam!)

8 p.m. Survivor, CBS.

8:30 p.m. For those attendees disappointed by the cancellation of "Casino Night" for legal reasons, we are happy to announce that the West Ballroom has been declared a Native American reservation, thanks to the coincidental influx of 150 Seminole Indians. Attendees will also be able to purchase firecrackers and tax-free cigarettes.

Thursday: "President with a Porpoise"
Scheduled Protests: Quebec Anarchists, Teamsters, NAMBLA, Confederate Rights, Gulf War Veterans, League of Women Voters, Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon

Notice: Due to complaints from both black delegates, the Confederate flag has been moved to a less offensive spot, several feet away from the West Entrance. For those who have had trouble locating the West Entrance, it is the one with the lawn jockey in front.

9 a.m. Introduction of the Next President's Porpoise

9:30 a.m. Introduction of the Next President

10 a.m. IRS employees give a tutorial on tax loopholes for the rich. Covering all manner of assets, ranging from natural energy sources to professional baseball teams.

1:30 p.m. The single mother's speech on the need for tax relief has been cancelled. Instead, Archer Daniels Midland CEO Dwayne O. Andreas will present the moral imperative for increased ethanol subsidies.

4 p.m. Let's Elect Gore: The Let's Elect Gore strategizing meeting has been cancelled, for obvious reasons.

8 p.m. Kegger at the Liberty Bell!

Note on the Convention Center: The pavilions will house workspace for 91 media outlets, 55 booths in Internet Alley, 40 booths in Talk Radio Row (20 reserved specifically for crackpots), a steakhouse, Strom Thurmond's oxygen chamber and Dennis Hastert's underground lair.

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