There is a typo in your official schedule. The theme
for the Republican Convention is "Renewing America's
will be available in the lobby for those who need simultaneous
translation of Republican rhetoric into comprehensible
"Opportunity with a Porpoise: Leave No Child Alone"
Scheduled Protests: Coalition for Campaign Finance
Reform, PETA, Greenpeace, Woody Harrelson's Hemp Rights
a.m. The Pledge of Allegiance will not be read by
a blind mountain climber, as previously announced, but
by a nearsighted scuba diver. The blind mountain climber
is currently lost on the Schuylkill Expressway.
various times. "Compassion videos" will be projected
onto three screens hanging over the stage in the First
Union Center. Their subjects will include: nonpartisan
acts of kindness between strangers; the judge who kept
Neil Bush out of jail when he got mixed up in the S&L
scandal; and rare white tiger cubs playing in the grass.
a.m. "A Tribute to Senator Coverdell." A look at
a man whose warmth and accomplishments will not be forgotten
until the last damn quarter is sucked out of his re-election
a.m. Mrs. Laura Bush will speak on improving education
in our schools and in our Governors' Mansions.
p.m. On-Site Execution: Due to complaints from several
human rights groups, the electrocution of death row
inmate Doug Montgomery has been cancelled. Instead,
Montgomery will receive a lethal injection, administered
by one lucky member of the audience.
p.m. Colin Powell will speak about whatever he wants,
for as long as he wants. Take your time, General.
"Strength and Security with a Porpoise: Safe in Our
Homes, Guns by Our Sides"
Scheduled Protests: Save the Chesapeake Bay, NAACP,
Kansas State Rifle Association, Primate Rights
The flag hanging over the West Entrance will be the
American flag, not the Confederate flag as previously
stated. We apologize for any confusion.
a.m. Panel discussion of defense policy, specifically
our "armies of compassion," our "missiles of hope" and
our "heavy artillery of kindness."
a.m. A satellite transmission from the deck of the
USS New Jersey, where former Gen. Norman H. Schwarzkopf
will talk about how to keep the American military strong
enough to confront future potential threats from starving
and confused Iraqi teenagers trying to surrender. After
the speech, conventioneers who would like a real military
experience will be vaccinated with the same harmless
cocktail of experimental drugs given to soldiers in
the Gulf War.
p.m. "¿Está Susana en casa?" George
W., in a demonstration of his concern and interest in
the issues impacting Hispanic Americans, will answer
questions in Spanish from a carefully chosen audience
that is interested in knowing whether Susana is in the
house, and whether she is in the kitchen or the living
p.m. Joint speech, Elizabeth Dole and John McCain:
"Whatever, I didn't want the job anyway."
to our former Republican presidents:
3:03-3:05 p.m. Hoover, Nixon, Ford
3:06 onwards: Real-time reenactment of the Reagan/Bush
p.m. Tribute to "The Greatest Generation"
p.m. Tribute to "Tuesdays with Morrie"
p.m. Tribute to "Harry Potter and the Goblet of
p.m. Evening performance: Eminem. (Language may
be unsuitable for children under 18 and delegates from
"Prosperity with a Porpoise: Keeping America Perspiring"
Scheduled Protests: Peaceable Texans for Firearms
Rights, Rock the Vote, John Birch Society, Stop Prisoner
Rape, Arianna Huffington
After consultation with the delegates from South Carolina,
it has been decided that the Confederate flag will hang
alongside the American flag over the West Entrance,
as a symbol of heritage.
a.m. Theodore Roosevelt IV will discuss promising
Republican solutions to environmental problems. William
Howard Taft IV will offer exciting Republican techniques
for stuffing eight hot dogs in your mouth at the same
time. John D. Rockefeller IV will speak about sucking
the earth dry.
a.m. Dick Cheney: "How I talked everyone else out
p.m. The Pile-'O-Money Swim: Due to a last-minute
increase in funding, we are proud to announce that the
Pile-'O-Money Swim will take place in a pile of $50
bills instead of $20. (Thanks, Philip Morris!) After
the swim, please join the Smith & Wesson Sip 'N Shoot.
Co-hosted by Tanqueray, this mixer is sure to loosen
conventioneers' triggers and tongues.
p.m. Tennessee Senator Bill Frist will no longer
be giving the speech detailing the GOP's prescription
drug plan. That address will be delivered, tag-team
poetry-slam style, by the CEOs of the top five pharmaceutical
companies. (Don't worry, no NEA money backed this poetry
p.m. Survivor, CBS.
p.m. For those attendees disappointed by the cancellation
of "Casino Night" for legal reasons, we are happy to
announce that the West Ballroom has been declared a
Native American reservation, thanks to the coincidental
influx of 150 Seminole Indians. Attendees will also
be able to purchase firecrackers and tax-free cigarettes.
"President with a Porpoise"
Scheduled Protests: Quebec Anarchists, Teamsters,
NAMBLA, Confederate Rights, Gulf War Veterans, League
of Women Voters, Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon
Due to complaints from both black delegates, the Confederate
flag has been moved to a less offensive spot, several
feet away from the West Entrance. For those who have
had trouble locating the West Entrance, it is the one
with the lawn jockey in front.
a.m. Introduction of the Next President's Porpoise
a.m. Introduction of the Next President
a.m. IRS employees give a tutorial on tax loopholes
for the rich. Covering all manner of assets, ranging
from natural energy sources to professional baseball
p.m. The single mother's speech on the need for
tax relief has been cancelled. Instead, Archer Daniels
Midland CEO Dwayne O. Andreas will present the moral
imperative for increased ethanol subsidies.
p.m. Let's Elect Gore: The Let's Elect Gore strategizing
meeting has been cancelled, for obvious reasons.
p.m. Kegger at the Liberty Bell!
on the Convention Center: The pavilions will house workspace
for 91 media outlets, 55 booths in Internet Alley, 40
booths in Talk Radio Row (20 reserved specifically for
crackpots), a steakhouse, Strom Thurmond's oxygen chamber
and Dennis Hastert's underground lair.