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TO BRING IN SOME EXTRA CASH, the president runs a sideline business as an abortion doctor. One afternoon as he is about to begin the procedure, a small man pops out of the patient’s uterus. The man has a Hitler moustache and is wearing leather bondage gear with a button reading, "Out of my way: I’m Christmas shopping!" He does a little jig, salutes the president and asks, "Have you read ‘Perfect Day for Bananafish’? It's much better than ‘Catcher in the Rye.’"

THE PRESIDENT WOULD suddenly feel faint. "Wha—What’s happening?" he’d shout. "Another successful operation, Dr. Rybeck," a nurse would respond. Dripping in a cold sweat, the president would run from the operating room and out of the hospital into the dark underbelly of Miami. Living on the streets with hazy memories of a past life, Bush would come to learn that he had been brainwashed and given a new identity by those who seek to maintain control of the biotech industry. Hellbent on revenge, the president would confront and kill his "wife," actually an agent of the conspiracy. With the help of Dick Cheney—actually the mind of Dick Cheney downloaded onto a hard drive—Bush would regain his memory and stop the men who did this to him.

has mastered the technique of "lucid dreaming" whereby the dreamer takes control of the oeneric narrative and crafts it to a positive conclusion. No waking up with a gasp or sighing, "Oh, it was only a dream," for Al Gore! While logging the dream in his dream journal the next morning, the president would wonder if the symbolism had any portent for the upcoming budget battle. He’d reflect on the scene in Shakespeare’s "Julius Caesar" where Caesar’s wife dreams of a lion walking through Rome. Or was it a tiger? He’d run to his Riverside Shakespeare. Lion! There’s a tiger in "Titus Andronicus." The president’s budget would sail through Congress one month later.

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