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THIRTY YEARS AGO IN VIETNAM, Al Gore was captured by the Chinese and subjected to deep, probing hypnosis. In an underground jungle laboratory, his mind was erased and reconfigured, transforming the idealistic son of a U.S. Senator into a single-minded puppet, programmed to one day reach the White House. Today, with sympathetic agents installed as his aides, his every move is manipulated from Beijing using an ordinary deck of playing cards.

Two of clubs: Accept large donations from tobacco companies.
Three of clubs: Accuse tobacco companies of murdering your sister.
Seven of spades: Think of something many use, but few understand, then claim to have invented it.
Seven of diamonds: Think of sappy movie no one has watched in years; claim to have inspired it.
Four of hearts: Wonk on endlessly about the environment.
Five of hearts: Support oil drilling in Colombian rainforests.
Six of hearts: Add bald eagle to new "delicious species" list.
Nine of clubs: Make joke likening yourself to something made out of wood, then smile weakly.
Ten of clubs: Remember to take coat hanger out of blazer before wearing.
Jack of clubs: None of these people understand what you are saying. Talk real loud.
Queen of clubs: Mention fractal theory.
Eight of spades: Do something crazy, like have a wine spritzer.
Ten of spades: Cut loose, footloose, kick off your Sunday shoes.
Four of clubs: Ask, "Why are you holding up a four of clubs?"
Five of diamonds: Act like you're totally cool with people bringing a couple of friends to your convention, even though you know it's getting pretty out of hand and the cops are probably gonna show any minute.
Seven of hearts: Grow a beard. (Note: Card must be held in view of Al Gore until beard is fully grown. Alternate hands to avoid cramping.)
Jack of hearts: Drink iced tea.
Queen of hearts: Drink iced tea.
King of hearts: Drink iced tea.
Ace of hearts: Take restroom break.
Nine of diamonds: Detonate nuclear device inside Fort Knox, throwing world economy into chaos.
King of clubs: Declare war on Neptune, god of the sea.
Ace of spades: Dispatch android "daughters" on five-state killing spree.

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