Tuesday, August 15

"The most important thing that I can say tonight is: Thank you," Hillary Clinton declared toward the end of her speech. So important, in fact, that a transcript of the first 62 words of her address reads as follows: "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you. Thank you so very much. Thank you. Thank you all so much, and thanks to Senator Mikulski and all the women senators. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Let me thank all of you. Let me thank you. And let me thank all of our Democratic women senators."

"I am here tonight, above all, to say a heartfelt thank you," echoed Bill Clinton at the beginning of his speech, sometime around 2 am. "Thank you for being so good to Hillary and Chelsea," he added. "I am so proud of them. And didn't she give a good talk? I thought it was great." Isn’t she cute, with her little senate run?

Everyone was thankful for something yesterday–Al Gore, in particular, for the 22nd Amendment. "I would vote for Clinton again if I could," a Florida delegate confided. It was clearly a common sentiment in the Staples Center. The crowd cheered as the president went through his lip-biting, finger-wagging routine one last time. And though Clinton was careful to refer to his "seven and a half years," in office–my time’s not completely up yet, folks!–it was understood that from here on in, this was Al Gore’s show anzzzzzzzzzz… Oh, sorry, we nodded off there for a second.

Gore was surely thankful for the support of his fellow Democrats. "If it means we have to hold our noses and take castor oil, do it," Jesse Jackson exhorted a crowd. Bill Bradley released his 390 delegates to vote for Al Gore and then sat for a series of uncomfortable interviews in which he seemed far less interested in endorsing Gore than in plugging his new book. "It’s the answer to the question, What was that Bradley campaign about in the year 2000," he told Larry King, as if this was a question future generations might actually ask.

Meanwhile, CNN viewers were thankful when the network eventually cut away from Larry King for a report on the sinking Russian submarine. Or rather, for a report from a correspondent on a completely different Russian submarine, anchored in Long Beach. Then it was back to Larry King for this exchange with Russian submarine expert Tom Clancy.

King: President Carter, who…served on a sub for five years, told me that they were trained to swim out through the torpedo hatch from 100 feet down.

Clancy: OK, not through the torpedo tube.

King: I'm sorry, through whatever.

Clancy: That's a bad piece of information, Larry.

King: Well, I'm sorry, that's mine. I was – he told me they were able to swim out from 100 feet down. He didn't say torpedo hatch. I thought torpedo hatch.

However he got out, Carter was evidently thankful to once again be permitted to breathe fresh convention air.

As he swam his way up to the convention, Joe Lieberman stopped to explain to the Wall Street Journal why Al Gore’s early-80s "deep personal conviction that abortion is wrong" is no longer relevant. "Things that made sense to us when we were younger, no longer make sense," Lieberman explained. This may seem like an awkward spot for the candidate, but we bet he’s just thankful to be explaining away someone else’s record for a change.

—Daniel Radosh

[ 100% True ]

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