"Gore
left open the remote possibility that he could consider a dark horse
candidate who has not been publicly discussed, the source said."
—Associated Press, August 3
Storm
Cat
Home State: Kentucky
Qualifications: world's leading stud, commanding $300,000 per impregnated
mare
Pros:
Gore
should feel right at home sharing ticket with an oversexed male
who mates with upwards of 70 females annually
plenty
of potential heirs, should the U.S. ever move to a hereditary system
of Presidential succession
"Storm
Cat" is a cooler name than "Evan Bayh"
Cons:
is
a horse
anti-gun-control
stance ("Guns don't shoot horses. People shoot horses, don't they?")
at odds with Gore's position
might
not be willing to give up current job of constantly having sex
Possible
Campaign Slogan: "Prosperity. Virility. Gore/Cat 2000. Of Course.
Of Course."
Secretariat
Home State: Virginia
Qualifications: "Horse of the Century"; won racing's Triple Crown
in 1973
Pros:
high
name recognition
popular
in crucial Southern states
"is
moving like a tremendous machine"
Cons:
is
a horse
is
dead, which would lead to no end of "flogging" jokes
inconsistent
position on Social Security, especially since death
not
especially dark
Possible
Campaign Slogan: "Al and Big Red: It's Time to Stirrup the White
House."
Black
Beauty
Home State: London, England
Qualifications: narrator of novel beloved by children for over 100
years; cab-pulling experience
Pros:
could
garner votes among blacks, beauties
strong
positions on animal rights, environmental issues could win liberals
away from Ralph Nader
noble,
gallant, courageous
Cons:
is
a fictional horse
Reaganesque
tendency to duck questions about past by claiming "The first place
that I can well remember was a large pleasant meadow with a pond
of clear water in it"
bad
knees
Possible
Campaign Slogan: "Gore and Black Beauty: Special Interests Can't
Make Them Drink."
Horace
Horsecollar
Home State: California
Qualifications: supporting player in early Disney animated films;
former Chairman of House Judiciary Committee
Pros:
would
inject a note of levity into dull Gore campaign
war
hero
has
appeared on nearly twice as many collectible plates as Dick Cheney
Cons:
troubling
questions about liaison with Clarabelle Cow
"Mickey-Mouse
campaign" cracks could prove tiresome
is
a cartoon horse
Possible
Campaign Slogan: "Gore and Horace: They'll Work For Us."
Clever
Hans
Home State: Germany
Qualifications: allegedly able to perform addition and subtraction
by stamping his foot to indicate the answers; Ambassador to Chile
Pros:
despite
lack of genuine math ability, still smarter than Bush
foot-stamping
could become a rousing trademark of campaign rallies
dead
already, so severed head could easily be placed in bed of Trent
Lott
Cons:
is
a horse
couldn't
actually do arithmetic, but was simply receiving unintentional cues
from his trainer (cf. Sen. John Edwards of North Carolina)
is
dead and from Germany, unlike Governor Jeanne Shaheen of New Hampshire
Possible
Campaign Slogan: "In 2000, It's the Horse That Counts."
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