Hello, I'm Albert Gore, your seventh grade vice president. Now I'm running for president and I need your support. I want to first take a moment to address some gossip that's scrawled on the bathroom wall—namely that I am a dork and a nerd. Apparently, the graffiti artist forgot to mention "geek." [Pause for laughter] But seriously, these claims are unfounded. Anyone who saw Tipper and me frenching before this speech knows that. That's right, folks—second base.

But enough of this locker room talk. Here's what I want to know: Where is my opponent on health care? I don't think I've ever seen him even in the vicinity of the nurse's office. Meanwhile, I am promising to provide free prescription drugs for the hyperactive. If elected, I will ensure that there will be Ritalin in every locker.

I also think it is vital we open up trade with the Chinese. They sit at their own table at lunch, swapping sandwiches around, each according to their own needs. I think introducing American condiments and cured meats into this table would help them to understand and eventually embrace our superior culture.

My opponent has no interest in these kinds of reforms. Instead, he sits at the "popular" table at lunch, always catering to their special interests. He has distracted students from this issue by claiming I have bought votes in the lunch room. Folks, all I have done is offered lunch money to those less fortunate among us who could not otherwise afford a government-approved, well-balanced meal. Shame on you, George, for never sharing the wealth.

Some of you have raised concerns about my running mate, Joey Lieberman. I know that people were upset by his decision to boycott the Drama Club's production of "West Side Story." But the show features brutal gang violence and implied premarital intercourse—not exactly appropriate entertainment for kids! Look, I trust Joey will do a great job. What's more, since his Bar Mitzvah in August, he is considered a full-fledged man in the eyes of God, which is more than our opponents can say for themselves.