Hello, I'm Albert
Gore, your seventh grade vice president. Now I'm running
for president and I need your support. I want to first
take a moment to address some gossip that's scrawled on
the bathroom wallnamely that I am a dork and a nerd.
Apparently, the graffiti artist forgot to mention "geek."
[Pause for laughter] But seriously, these claims are unfounded.
Anyone who saw Tipper and me frenching before this speech
knows that. That's right, folkssecond base.
But enough of
this locker room talk. Here's what I want to know: Where
is my opponent on health care? I don't think I've ever
seen him even in the vicinity of the nurse's office. Meanwhile,
I am promising to provide free prescription drugs for
the hyperactive. If elected, I will ensure that there
will be Ritalin in every locker.
I also think
it is vital we open up trade with the Chinese. They sit
at their own table at lunch, swapping sandwiches around,
each according to their own needs. I think introducing
American condiments and cured meats into this table would
help them to understand and eventually embrace our superior
My opponent has
no interest in these kinds of reforms. Instead, he sits
at the "popular" table at lunch, always catering to their
special interests. He has distracted students from this
issue by claiming I have bought votes in the lunch room.
Folks, all I have done is offered lunch money to those
less fortunate among us who could not otherwise afford
a government-approved, well-balanced meal. Shame on you,
George, for never sharing the wealth.
Some of you have
raised concerns about my running mate, Joey Lieberman.
I know that people were upset by his decision to boycott
the Drama Club's production of "West Side Story." But
the show features brutal gang violence and implied premarital
intercoursenot exactly appropriate entertainment
for kids! Look, I trust Joey will do a great job. What's
more, since his Bar Mitzvah in August, he is considered
a full-fledged man in the eyes of God, which is more than
our opponents can say for themselves.