My Fellow Americans
cc: Democratic and Republican Parties
From: Christina Nunez
Re: Rumors of Executive Changes
It has recently
come to my attention that George W. Bush is on the short
list for the top position here next year. I feel it my
duty to inform you that should he be selected, I will
be forced to tender my resignation from the country.
am currently entertaining bids from Australia and the
Czech Republic, I would be willing to consider a counteroffer.
I believe I have made substantive contributions to our
success, which is more than I can say for outside consultants
like Thandie Newton, who seem to have management's ear
that there have been some regrettable incidents on my
watch, such as the development of stuffed crust and the
endurance of Regis. But in both cases I submitted extensive
recommendations on how to avoid similar situations in
the future. And although I did little to combat road rage
or sweatpants, I certainly never signed off on them. As
a team, we have made great strides on the Puffy situation.
Also on the plus side, my tenure has seen the rise of
Wes Bentley, echinacea tea that doesn't taste like dirt
and the jammin' oldies format.
Yet this potential
managerial change forces me to examine my commitment.
Morale is at an all-time low thanks to the forest fires
on company time and the quality assurance failure that
resulted in the Backstreet Boys' "I'll Be the One"
video. The final blow would be the elevation to the top
spot of someone who can barely manage his own department,
let alone the entire operation.
It would certainly
dampen my enthusiasm for Secret Santa.
I have spent
the better part of my career hereas has my whole
family, ever since my great-grandparents joined several
decades agoand can envision myself taking on further
responsibilities, including paying more taxes and adopting
a pet. Our President himself said it in his State of the
Union address: "As always, the credit [for our prosperity]
belongs to the American people." The word around
the water cooler is that he was referring to me.
Mr. Clinton's assistant, Mr. Gore, is also under consideration
for the position, but the general consensus is that we
need to hire from the outside. Everyone knows there is
a lot of turnover at Sierra Leone. Have we even placed
a cold call? Perhaps we could woo someone from a start-up
yourselves, can this organization afford a disruption
in my gym attendance or my newsstand browsing? I can train
a replacement in both of those arenas, but you risk permanently
losing my familiarity with our stop-light system. This
place simply does not have the reserves to handle a major
I know we
all want the best for this operation, and I am confident
that we will be able to reach a solution. Any serious
evaluation of my track record will lead you to conclude
that retaining my services as an American is worth bruising
Mr. Bush's sizable ego.
P.S. If you decide to release me from my contract, I would
appreciate a letter of recommendation.