Q: Who is Halloween?
A: Halloween is not a person but rather a thing. That is, instead of referring to a specific individual (or a group of individuals, for that matter!), it doesn’t.

Q: What is its origin?
A: Halloween comes from Peter Halloween, a wolf-man who lived in the 1940s.

Q: Who told you that?
A: A good researcher never reveals his sources.

Q: It was Peter Halloween, Jr., wasn’t it?
A: Yes.

Q: Isn’t "Halloween" a modified contraction of "Hallows’ eve," which refers to the night before All Hallows (another name for the Catholic All Saints’ Day), which in turn was influenced by the Celtic New Year?
A: Maybe in your little fantasy world.

Q: How did the practice of trick-or-treating develop?
A: BOO!

Q: That was not very scary.
A: Whatever. I wasn’t even trying to scare you. I was referring to the Bureau of Occult Observances, a great resource for information on this topic.

Q: How is Halloween celebrated in other countries?
A: Children in most countries dress up in funny costumes every day of the year. And, in Eastern Europe, booooo!

Q: Stop doing that. You are not frightening me.
A: I’m sorry. I promise I won’t do it again. Please accept my apoloBANSHEEs!

Q: I’m afraid that makes no sense.
A: See? You’re afraid.

Q: Do you think dressing up as monsters is a useful way for children to sublimate socially unacceptable aggression?
A: LOOK OUT! THERE’S A HUGE VAMPIRE ON YOUR ASS!

Q: I am quite sure you’re lying. But that reminds me of my next question: Is there a huge vampire on my ass?
A: Maybe.

Q: What is the best Halloween costume ever?
A: Once this guy dressed up as a bonafide lady! He had a black dress, red lipstick, and a curvy torso. Later I found out he wasn’t a guy after all. But by then it was too late: I’d already elected him president.

Q: Why do we carve scary expressions into pumpkins?
A: They’re less bloody.

Q: But what is the significance of pumpkins?
A: Pumpkin = kin of the pump = kin of the heart = kin of the blood = worshipper of the blood = worshipper of red = worshipper of reddish orange = orange = pumpkin.

Q: Which is a better candy: Three Musketeers or Snickers?
A: You couldn’t be asking a more conflicted person; my mother owns a Three Musketeers plant, and my father owns a Snickers bar.

Q: Is it wrong to slice up children on Halloween, provided each slice is of equal size, coated in chocolate and offered to trick-or-treaters?
A: Only from the perspective of the children. But most children don’t have much perspective.

Q: Besides "Smell my feet" and "Give me something good to eat," what are approximately five other rhymes youngsters can use when going door-to-door?
A:  "This be how I choose to greet."
      "I’m a vegan; please no meat."
      "Preferably some untilled wheat."
      "When older I shall star in Candide."

Q: What is the wildest Halloween prank anyone’s ever pulled?
A: The Vietnam War.

Q: What are you going to dress up as this year?
A: I’m going to be… Superman!

Q: But you’re already super, man!
A: Thanks, bro. That means a lot coming from me.