Q: Do
I really have to buy a whole new system after spending hundreds
of dollars on the first one? What the hell am I going to do
with Madden '96?
A: PlayStation 2 can play all current PlayStation titles
as well as your old Atari, ColecoVision, Nintendo, Super Nintendo,
Commodore 64, Intellivision, Gameboy, Turbo-Graphix and ENIAC
games. And it plays Hungry Hungry Hippos a lot better than your
sister ever could.
Q: Wow, this thing is really amazing! What does the inside motherboard look like?
A: Like all the colors of the rainbow.
Q: Will
the Tomb Raider movie be any good?
A: Bet on it! Director Simon West's previous films,
"Con Air" and "The General's Daughter,"
were, um… Whoa, Angelina Jolie's in it!
Q: What
new games are they going to make?
A: Great games. Awesome games. Games so innovative and
unprecedented you'll have to invent new words to describe them.
Like "snargily" and "shitacular." Such games include Ridge Racer
V, a fourth version of Tekken and Final Fantasy 10.
Q: Final
Fantasy 10?! It took me 650 hours to get through FF8, and FF9
hasn't even come out yet. I just don't have that kind of time
anymore, what with my campaign to save "FreakyLinks" from cancellation
and my "LOTR" countdown site. Can't they make these games shorter?
A: The upcoming Crash Bandicoot: Down Under Dingo Boogie
takes 23 minutes to play.
Q: I
hear PS2 can play DVDs. Will there be any DVD/video game convergence?
A: Yes, Tomb Raider: Uncut combines two discs worth
of Lara Croft jumping, crouching and getting wet while the 1994
Sports Illustrated swimsuit video runs in the background.
Q: How
do I get past the boss in the mineshaft tunnel in Parasite Eve
2?
A: Use your pyrokinesis to burn his face off, then while
he's distracted, select the M-180 from your inventory to finish
the job. Flip the switch on the wall to your right. (It'll take
a second to find since the wall is covered in the boss's blood.)
NOTE: These hints in no way advocate the use of violence to
solve problems.
Q: My
sales representative at Best Buy said that Sony cut the PS2
shipment in half and I'll be lucky if I get one before next
year. What can I do with myself in the meantime?
A: Well, you could do three favors for three people,
and then they in turn will do favors for three people, and then
those three people will help three people, and it could be like
some sort of a movement. Or you could buy Spyro:
Year of the Dragon.
Q: How
much will PlayStation 2 and a bunch of games cost? I already
traded in my DreamCast at FuncoLand for thirty dollars credit!
A: How cute. You might also want to trade in your Nintendo
64, Razor Scooter, X-men #1 (2nd series) and "Austin Powers
2" Fat Bastard figure still in the box. Also, get your folks
to think about a second mortgage.
Q: The
system is going to be outdated by the time I get it! Should
I just hold out for Nintendo's next platform?
A: Which would you rather own, a system called Playstation
2, a name you know and trust, or Nintendo's "Dolphin"? Sounds
kinda, I don't know, queer. But, hey, how often you want to
get your ass kicked is your business.
Q: Many
of the Japanese PlayStation 2 consoles had bugs and were recalled.
Oddly, your marketing efforts imply that PlayStation 2 is a
device made of plastic and miracles, that to own it is to know
raw bliss. Will PlayStation 2 not make me whole?
A: Sony Entertainment President and COO Kazuo Hirai
has released the following statement:
Greetings valued American 18-to-34-year-old male. We are committed
to bringing you high quality product for your time-wasting needs.
Of course, we regret the inevitable malfunctions that may interrupt
the soothing numbness of your PlayStation experience. While
watching "The Matrix" DVD on PlayStation, you may realize it
really kinda drags in the middle or notice that Joe Pantoliano
is a terrible actor. Disc 3 of Legend of Dragoon may contain
incongruous, yet enthralling, footage of Japanese schoolgirls
riding bicycles. No, PlayStation 2 is not perfect. For perfection,
you will have to wait for PlayStation 3, available in November
2004.
Pre-order now.
