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Put an apple on somebody’s razorblade.

Wrap toilet paper around the little plastic rod
that sits in the wall next to somebody's toilet.

Buy a dozen eggs and throw them into a passing frying pan. Add cheese, bell pepper and tomato and make a giant Western omelet. Serves six.

Leave fake dog shit in a dog’s large intestine.

Stand in front of a mirror and repeat the name Bloody Mary three times. If the mirror is behind a bar, a bartender will tell you to hold your horses and give you a Bloody Mary. Complain about the amount of Tabasco.

Float fun things like gnarled sticks, vein-riddled eyeballs and bony fingers in your party punch. If you can’t get the real thing, just serve Sprite and skip the stuff in it.

Walk up behind someone and say "Boo!" Apologize, and explain that you mistook him for Boo Radley from "To Kill a Mockingbird."

Wear normal clothes to work. When the guy in the next cubicle says "Good costume," reply, "Sad life," or something equally cutting.

Get boyfriend or husband to dress as Superman, then spend party loudly yelling that he is no Superman in the sack. Speak sloshily.

Insist on saying "Samhain" in place of Halloween. When people ask what you mean, look at them very tiredly with just a touch of superiority, but whatever you do don’t answer.

Invite trick-or-treaters in to give them a "real scare," and then teach them about the true meaning of All Saints' Day and take them to mass.

Soap the windows of someone’s house, then hose them down and scrub with a soft brush. Dry them with a lint-free cloth or a chamois. A little glass polish (Starbrite makes a good one) will not only give the windows a shine but buff out any old water spots. Stand outside the windows wearing something frightening.

Find your local Wiccan community and tell them that you are interested in learning about their unfairly maligned belief system. After they explain to you that Wicca is about revering and honoring nature and has nothing to do with Satanism, go to the authorities and accuse the witches of causing your milk to sour and tormenting you at night in spectral form. Insist that they be searched for witches’ marks and extra nipples whereon the Devil and their familiars might suck. Lobby for their execution by hanging or being pressed to death with large stones.

Summon Satan using the lost knowledge of the ancient Qumran sect. When the Dark Lord appears in a cacophony of thunder and a cloud of sulphurous gas, command him to fill the neighbor’s mailbox with shaving cream.

Die. Then, when your friends are using a Ouija board, keep making the pointer spell out "You all suck."

Glue a duck to your head and dance naked in the middle of a busy street. That'll show those fuckers.

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