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Instructions
In order to use this online ballot, you must be a legal citizen of the United States who has registered to vote or who has the ability to sweet talk the senior citizens who man the polls. You must be able to answer YES to each of the following:

YES
NO
Are you over the age of 18?
Do you have even the slightest clue as to how government works?
Are you really able to separate personal charisma from political competence?
Have you made any decisions in the past which were not later proven to be foolish?
Do you think the founding fathers would have given so many people the right to vote if they knew you would one day be included?
Are you willing to take the blame if everything goes terribly wrong as a result of your vote?


Modern Humorist tabulates all votes and forwards them directly to local election boards, except in cases where the votes differ with the political beliefs and loyalties of Modern Humorist.

Privacy on the Internet is not guaranteed! Pull a curtain around your desk as you vote to make sure your vote is private.

There is no juice or cookies provided after voting. That’s when you give blood.


Candidates for President of the
United States of America

with helpful political party explanations

George W. Bush
Republican Party: Advocates policies benefiting the wealthy and the handful—some wealthy, most not—who believe American culture is degenerate.
Albert Gore, Jr.
Democratic Party: See above
John Hagelin
Reform/Natural Law/Independent Coalition: Remember those kids who weren’t very popular but they told themselves they were the cool ones?
Patrick Buchanan
Other Reform Party: Buchanan’s irresponsible ego trip is threatening Hagelin in key swing states. This "spoiler" campaign obscures a lifetime of service in the cause of anti-Semitism.
Ralph Nader
Green Party: Advocates policies endorsed by Susan Sarandon, Eddie Vedder, Woody Harrelson, Bill Murray and Dead Kennedys frontman Jello Biafra. Beyond that, it gets a little murky, but voting for them definitely signals your commitment to the environment and being alterna-cool.
Harry Browne
Libertarian Party: Would be the perfect party if not for all the Ayn Rand crap.
LaRouche Disciple 811-B9
LaRouche Party: Nuke the Queen of England! NASA wants your sperm! Would you like to buy our book?
Write-In of Your Choice

(Note: popular write-in choices include Jesse Ventura, Cybill Shepherd, Larry King, Cedric the Entertainer, Greedo, 1988 Wimbledon men’s champion Stefan Edberg, Charmander, Martin Sheen and Destiny’s Child.)



Propositions from around the country
Please vote only on propositions that apply to your state. Only your honesty prevents laws from being enacted in a random and arbitrary manner.

Proposition
This initiative, which I’m sure you’ve been following so closely, requires the state to use sarcasm in all functions and actions. State records—which are consulted every single day by immensely important and interesting clerks—must be written in sarcasm. Persons who speak only sarcasm may not be denied state jobs or services, no doubt to their everlasting gratitude. This is really, really important, and our state will lapse into degeneracy if we don’t act now.

Should this initiative become law?
YES
NO
Proposition
This initiative requires that all food sold in the state be tasty, with the creation of a tax credit for the distribution, production and marketing of food that is both tasty and filling.

Should this initiative become law?
YES
NO
Proposition
This initiative enables the state to raise up to $700 million in public bonds for the construction of a great wall separating it from its neighbor, Ohio. Fie, fie on cursed Ohio!

Should this initiative become law?
YES
NO
Proposition
Should Doug Flutie continue to start at quarterback for the Buffalo Bills despite the imminent return of Rob Johnson?

YES
NO
Proposition
Should every family in the state be given a $40 voucher per child for that child to purchase a cool new hat?

YES
NO
Proposition
Shouldn’t the state not not accumulate lots of debt?

YES
NO
Proposition
Isn’t it sad that some people are homeless?

YES
NO
Proposition
Do you got the dope moves?

YES
NO
Proposition
Is that what you call makeup?

YES
NO

Because if that’s what you call makeup, come on.




Instant Exit Poll
Remember, your vote is like a DUI incident in your youth: private. No one from Modern Humorist will ever ask for whom you voted or for your AOL password.


Did you find this online ballot an improvement over regular, annoying voting where you have to go out of your way and wait in a huge line?

YES
NO


Who do you think most of the other people are voting for?

Bush
Gore
Nader


Would you say that you tend to vote like most of the other people?

YES
NO


What’s Al Gore going to do if he loses? Seriously, do you think he’ll like cry and stuff?

He will take it like the principled, pragmatic leader he is.
He will do that half-sobbing, half-talking thing
where ev, ry, syl, la, ble, comes, out, be, tween,
lit, tle, gulps, of, air.


And if Bush loses?

Eat whole pint of Chunky Monkey; execute someone
Laura will let him campaign for three more weeks, then break the news
Drink the case of Bud Ice he’s been saving in case of nuclear war



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