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On Second Thought
Al Gore's Un-concession
by Christopher Painter

Gore, who had called the Texas governor
early on Wednesday morning to congratulate
him after television networks declared Bush
the winner, called him back an hour later
and retracted his concession.

AL GORE: George?

GEORGE BUSH: (warmly) Ralph!

GORE: Uh no, Al Gore again. We spoke a few minutes ago? About the concession thing?

BUSH: Oh, yeah… sure, uh-huh.

GORE: Right. Um…. Boy, how weird is that that a dead guy could get elected to the Senate?

BUSH: A which guy?

GORE: Carnahan. He got elected to the Senate, but he's dead. Boy, this election sure is weird, isn't it? I mean like lotsa crazy things goin' on. Like you never know what'll happen from one moment to the next! Rapid changes taking place every minute that really make you think…

BUSH: Hold on, okay? (clicks call waiting) I'm back. Gore's on the other line, so listen — I asked around, and you can sink a Rubbermaid bucket if you put at least twenty pounds of ballast in it. Can you get someone to that church with, um, a cannonball? Or maybe rocks? They got rocks in Florida, Jeb?

GORE: Uh, George, it's still Al.

BUSH: (silence)

GORE: What do you need to sink a Rubbermaid bucket for? You goin' fishin'?

BUSH: Look, are you callin' for a reason, because I was right in the middle of Psalm 18… (rattling of whiskey glass against bottle, pouring sound)

GORE: Well yeah, George, the thing is, well, I said some things to you earlier… Not lies, or even exaggerations, but I regret having said them. And I'd like to take them back.

BUSH: (swallowing) Well Al, there are always elephants of the past we wish we could change, we wish we could do better. Being a proper role model, and that. Restoring dignity. Past now, though. We're new people.

GORE: Oh forget all that… George, I take back my concession.

BUSH: (sputtering) What? You can’t! Those people voted for Buchanan fair and square. It’s not my fault they’re all half-blind.

GORE: What are you talking about?

BUSH: (pause)

GORE: Okay, then. Bye.

BUSH: (pause)

GORE: (pause)

BUSH: (pause)

GORE: You hang up first.

BUSH: (phone clatters to the floor, glass breaks)

Dial tone.

More Election Chaos 2000

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