At noon today, six tons of glacial ice shipped from
Alaska to the corner of 44th Street and Broadway,
will be molded to the catheterized body of David Blaine,
who will remain upright, immobile and within plain sight
(and reach) of the public for the next 60 hours,
until he's chipped free as part of the live ABC special,
"David Blaine: Frozen in Time," at 10 p.m. Wednesday.
Reporter, Nov. 27
I am Blaine. B-L-A-I-N. The E is for emphasis. Why are you looking up at me? Because I am encased in a giant block of ice? Dont stare at Blaine. Know his name, revere his image, but do not stare.
Okay, stare at Blaine. I guess you should. Its sweeps. Look at me. Now look at you. Youre going to Brookstones or H&M or Gateway Country or to offices on 44th Floors. You, too, are cold, even wrapped in scarves and hats and sweater vestsnice sweater vest, guy!and sweaters.
Ooh. Did I mention its cold? Jeeez its cold. Coooold! Cold!! Its like the other day when I was prepping for this by rubbing an ice cube over my belly button, only colder! Its like when youre going into a pool, and its too cold to just jump in, so youre getting in bit by bit, and all of a sudden somebody pushes you in and then its really cold? Its like that, only colder.
Think warm, Blaine. Mittens on kittens. Warm.
I have gone by several names in my short life. For secrecys sake, I cannot reveal them all, but here are five: David Blaine Nardozzi. David B. Lane. David Lane. Nathan Lane. Blavid Dane.
directly from Harry Houdini. From Evel Knievel. But Im not
related to Robbie Knievel. Everybody asks me that.
Houdini was born Ehrich Weiss. I was born without a name, part Puerto Rican, part Russian, part Jewish, all street. The miracle of birth is edgy on the street. They gazed upon me and knew that I would have to name myself. As soon as I could speak, I chose Mr. Pooh. When I began performing, my agent took over that department.
Touch the ice, spectators. Touch it. No, dont touch it with your tongue! Stupid idiot! Dont pull. I can free you. I can use my magic to free you. In just a minute.
I am Blaine. How did Blaine learn the art of magic? He will tell you, to take his mind off the fact that hes goddamn freezing.
At birth, I escaped from a dark, wet, undulating cave into the light with the help of only one assistant.
At the age of one, I spit up food that no one could prove I had eaten.
At five, I turned water to urine. Since then its been a miracle a year.
At ten I consumed a can of Chunky Soup with a spoon, as though it were simply soup.
At thirteen I became a man by reading not only my Torah portionChayai Sarabut also a difficult Haftorah portion.
At twenty-one I turned a girl into a woman.
And let me clear up a thing or two. David Blaine comes from the street. David Copperfield comes from the top of the escalator, near the mens section of Macys. DB risks life and limb. DC risks nothing but his name. DB levitates. DC, well, I guess he levitates too. DC dated Claudia Schiffer. DB was with Fiona Apple. Good preparation for being frozen in a block of ice. In equation form, one could compare the two like so: DB = DC plus 50 million. 50 million units of street.
Street magic is more than magic. Magic is making a quarter appear behind the ear of a bewildered boy. Street magic is taking a quarter from a beggars cup and making it appear behind the beggars ear, only to drop it in his cup again, as though youre being generous.
This isnt ice Im encased in. Its street ice, collected from the puddles of el barrio.
When your testicles recede into your body cavity, they can come out later, right?
At least my catheter is comfortable. If youre wondering why the second tube, let me explain: Ive got urine going out and Mountain Dew coming in. Mountain DewDo the Dew!is the official sponsor of "David Blaine: Frozen in Time." Steaming urine is the unofficial sponsor.
There are two kinds of catheter. The Foley Catheter, invented in 1957 by Dr. David Foley of Johns Hopkins University, is lubricated and inserted inside the penis. This is effective but can be uncomfortable. The Condom Catheter, also called the Texas Catheter, hugs the penis. This is more comfortable but is also known to slip off the penis. Most human penises cannot stay erect indefinitely. I cannot speak for most human penises.
Next year I will encase myself in steam with a towel wrapped around my waist.
Yesterday I forgot to tell you about the conversation that me, Leo and Tobey were having. I have three-way callingnobody else understands how it works, but I know how to do itand we were on it talking about where we were gonna hang this Wednesday. Tobey said what about The Tunnel. Leo wanted someplace quieter with more models.
Its fu-fu-fu-fureeezing. Holy God.
I think back to the first hour. I was so worried back then. And the twenty-second hour. How inexperienced I was, how cold. And just one hour ago I was praying for God to engulf this entire city of 7.4 million sinners in a giant toasty fireball. Ive come so far and lost so much feeling in my toes. Ive learned so much about the limits of endurance to which man can push himself. Im such a stupid fuck! Will feeling ever return to my nipples?
It is nearly over. The ice begins to crack. I am alive. I am victorious. I am Blaine.
Are there deadly germs lurking in your childs bedroom? Your local news is next on this ABC station.
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