ARE YOU THE KIND of person about whom others ask, "What do you get for the man or woman who has everything?" Then you know first hand the disappointment of receiving inadequate gifts. Fortunately, you are also wealthy enough to know that what's truly important is not getting gifts from others, but buying them for yourself.
you're frustrated by your inability to find things you haven't already
bought, then you're ready for the Baal Brothers' Collection of Superfluous
Newfangled Luxuries. Browse our offerings, and remember that with
our latest e-commerce technology, even thinking about an item is
considered an order. Shipping charges are guaranteed to be extra!
Gold Executive Eye-Dropper
got the gold pens, the gold letter-openers, the gold teeth, but
now you can make the previously embarrassing process of taking eye
drops your personal parade of pelf. Our special accessory blend
of ground diamonds and liquid silver may not improve your visionin
fact, it may eliminate itbut it will tell your colleagues
that you have some very expensive sight-impaired or sightless eyes!
Who at Your Address
trimmed, sacred-cow leatherhardbound from the exclusive and
prohibitively pricey Ozymandias Pressthis non-judgmentally
prepared volume, in which you are the sole and glorious entry, finally
makes you the towering dignitary your money was supposed to. Each
unmistakably Bible-esque book is prepared in Egypt by actual slaves.
If you live in a home that is shared with others, rest assured that
we will make short work of any competing pretenders on the premises,
barring separate contracts with them.
you're not thereand that's most of the time, you workaholic,
right?our adorably knit titanium-thread cozy easily slips
over and encloses your trophy home, and protects it from scuffing
and staining, not to mention lava, heavy rain and clods of dirt
hurled by resentful locals. It's the elegant old-fashioned alternative
to hypothetical force fields or unbreakable glass domes, which we
all know need constant washing!
busy to take your vacation? Of coursethat's why you're rich!
Our specially spa-trained hedonists will go wherever you'd like
toor feel you shouldand are guaranteed to have a better
time than you would. They'll hang glide, limbo, climb Everest and
survive (or notthe options are plentiful!) and even appreciate
art objects you'd be bored by. Anxiety-induced anhedonia no doubt
dulls the piquancy of any moments of pleasure or relaxation for
youbut our keenly-sensitized staff gets a thrill from fresh
papaya juice, the mist on Titicaca or simply coasting downhill on
a one-speed bicycle. Digitized souvenir albums superimpose you having
fun, and for an optional extra fee there'll somehow be sand in your
car. Wish you were there? Technically, you were.
Cute Puppy with Your DNA
says their dog is like one of the family, but now yours actually
can be! Imagine the thrill of knowing your genetically-engineered
pupfrom the tropical climate of media darling Doctor Moreau,
Jr.is going to be like you in so many ways! Even if they still
tend to turn on their masters during the adolescent phase, these
dog-children will gratify your narcissism in a way actual children
or a large speedboat seldom do. An added plus: They age quickly,
so you don't have to deal with them for long.
by Mark O'Donnell:
If Only He Could Draw