Soderbergh, Best Director, "Traffic" and "Erin
they told me two nominations, I said, 'What are you, high?'
And then I said, 'What are you, drinking hexavalent chromium?'
That about covered it."
Hanks, Best Actor, "Cast Away"
flattered as always, but I really wish they'd nominated Meg,
too. What? That was a soccer ball? Are you sure?"
Roberts, Best Actress, "Erin Brockovich"
am so glad the nominations came out before 'The Mexican' was
Del Toro, Best Supporting Actor, "Traffic"
Hudson, Best Supporting Actress, "Almost Famous"
just screamed! Then I giggled. Then I flounced about in a quirky,
offbeat playful way with a daffy, loopy grin. So did my mom!"
Crowe, Best Original Screenplay, "Almost Famous"
was worth all the blood and sweat. It's no joke working with
a fierce tiger, even if it was on a chain, and wearing 15 pounds
of armor, but-oh, wait, I'm getting myself confused with Russell
Crowe, Best Actor, "Gladiator"
Oscars don't really mean that much to me. There are lots of
things more important in my life, like running my ranch, playing
in my band and avoiding Meg Ryan's phone calls."
Björk, not nominated, "Dancer in the Dark"
times like this I ask myself, 'What would Timmain, the queen
of the elves, do?'"
Guest, not nominated, "Best in Show"
knew we should have fucking used cats."
Zeta-Jones, not nominated, "Traffic"
hurts. My only consolation is that Michael is not merely a giving
actor, but a compassionate and attentive husband."
Douglas, not nominated, "Wonder Boys"
I don't deserve more than one Oscar every thirteen years?"
Ruffalo, not nominated, "You Can Count On Me"
an honor just being nominated. Oh, wait, I wasn't nominated.
Well, it's an honor just being selected as Roger Ebert's pick
for Best Actor."
Nelson Jacobs, Best Adapted Screenplay, "Chocolat"
fuck. I can't believe they fell for Harvey's bullshit again."
Szábo, not nominated, "Sunshine"
would've been nominated. They just couldn't risk Drew Barrymore
trying to pronounce my name on live TV."
Best Supporting Actress, "Billy Elliot"
I got the call, I just looked at my beautiful daughter, Maisie,
and I thought, wow, my life is great. I have everything I've
ever wanted. Except an antigravity scooter."
Cruise, not nominated, "M:I-2"
failure to achieve a nomination this year is a result of spending
too much time with a woman who, unbeknownst to me, was operating
at a level of 1.1, or covert hostility, on the Tone Scale chart,
thus creating debilitating engrams that effected my performance.
I intend to spend the coming year working to achieve Clear and
dating Greta van Susteren."
Kutcher, not nominated, "Dude, Where's My Car"
where's my Oscar? No, seriously. Where's my fucking Oscar?"
Lebwohl, telemarketer in Sandusky, Ohio. Not nominated
this is quite a relief. I wouldn't have been able to handle
all the pressure."
"The nominations are a striking example of my commitment
W. Bush, President