Dear "Survivor III" Applicant,
Imagine yourself taking part in a heart-pounding, muscle-bending,
sanity-snapping adventure, your blood banging through your veins as you swoosh through raging bogs and soar above lush tundras, grappling with a group of stiff-nippled adversaries for a goblet slopping over with financially swollen adoration!
Now imagine yourself watching it at home with commercials for Target and Doritos, because we have evaluated your application for "Survivor III" and have determined that you do not meet our needs at this time.
Rest assured this was not an easy decision. We received applications from every citizen of the United States, and from that pool of two hundred eighty-three million, we had to pare it down to sixteen. Most applicants were not physically or mentally prepared for the program: The as-yet-undisclosed location of "Survivor III" can only be described as "cruel," "harsh," or "exceedingly cruel." Here are some other tantalizing words relating to "Survivor III": "blunt trauma," "sucking chest wounds," "plankton," "a murderer who may murder you."
As you can see, our standards are quite high. They must be, because "Friends" has been so funny lately that we are battling for our ratings lives. Did you see the episode where Monica put the free cookies outside her apartment, then when she stopped doing it, all her neighbors got REALLY angry? We have to compete with that. Needless to say, we must create an unstoppable entertainment juggernaut that will crush the scripted half-hour format into a noisome slick.
We are unlikely to accomplish this goal with you as a contestant. Though your faults are legion, your application was rejected primarily because you indicated that:
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You would never place any of the following in your mouth: fire, agitated chinchillas, Jeff Probst.
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You are neither physically striking nor morally hideous.
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You are unwilling to live in an active volcano, an open grave, on a steel spike, or in Texas.
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You would not eat an infant.
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You would not eat the cast of "Friends."
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You are a lawyer.
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You find vomiting distasteful and/or are unable/unwilling to vomit on command.
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You would not bathe in pus, sewage, or acid.
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You would not have sex with another castaway.
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You would not have sex with the creator of this application, who is
ineligible for "Survivor III" but who nonetheless puts in a lot of hours on the show and deserves some special compensation.
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You would not even consider dating the creator of this application, even though this person is good-hearted and you have a history of dating creeps.
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You are David Schwimmer.
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Again, thank you for applying. Your tissue samples will be kept on file for one year, long enough for you to use them in your applications for "Survivor IV," "Survivor V," "Survivor VI," "Survivor VII," and "Survivor VIII." Please be advised that for "Survivor VIII" you will be required to submit twelve quarts of your own bone marrow, so start scooping and freezing now!
Sincerely,
The "Wedonwancha" Tribe
Official Rejection Committee of "Survivor III"
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