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A Special Plea from Modern Humorist:

Dear Readers,

There are some things so sacred, so precious, that even media jackals and callow humorists must show them proper respect. One such precious thing is a young woman’s right to go utterly wild in college. Modern Humorist is shocked and dismayed to witness the craven and mean-spirited manner in which the media has ignored Jenna Bush’s right, her natural right, to sip the sweet nectar of total depravity.

We know you’ve read the reports about Jenna’s underage drinking, and you've heard the rumors about what she likes to do with whipped cream. But think of the damage you do to Jenna’s self-esteem when you joke about her fake ID arrest or her ambiguous relationship with two members of the field hockey team. Teenagers have to deal with intense peer pressure to drink while underage and to let other women lap up tequila from their chests. Remember when you were young?

So what if Jenna’s roommates complained about that weekend she “locked herself in the bathroom with a jug of lotion and a handle of Jim Beam”? Shouldn’t a college girl, any college girl, be able to do so in peace? Those same tongue-waggers say that Jenna’s dorm room was a mess and that “you couldn't even find a place to sit because of all her laundry and the drifting dunes of cocaine.” But must we repeat such talk? We’ve heard the allegation about a party where she was clutching a twisted coat hanger and demanding that total strangers “brand me like a prize steer.” What Jenna does at a party or what sloppy brands she has on her backside is no one's business but hers.

Worst of all for Jenna is the comparison people have made to her sister, Barbara. Who cares if Jenna has had more brushes with the law and was mainlining heroin while Barbara studied for the SATs? Jenna is living life to the fullest, savoring every second. Please, everyone, let her get freaky with privacy and dignity. Thank you.

—The Editors

More reverent treatment of the Bush family:
George W. Scrapbook

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Modern Humorist is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.