Shop the MH Superstore!

Chapter 4: Vocabulary
Anyone who has observed the youths of America knows they frequently take liberties with the English language in order to flaunt their illiteracy and impress the opposite sex. As a parent, it is vital that you understand their vocabulary—like a cheetah, your teen can sense your confusion and fear. When you master their vocabulary you can finally tell them, in their own language, that the police at the front door are for them.
Here are a few mandatory words and phrases to use when speaking to your teen:
Dope—A slang word that refers to every teenager’s horrific need to associate what he or she considers “good” with deadly narcotics. When this phrase is uttered do not panic. Simply reply with: “Yeah, dog, I got the stash up my cavity.”
It’s all good—A shortened term from its original version, “It’s all good when you’re employing illegal narcotics and engaging in immoral sexual activity.” Your teen doesn’t mean that everything in the world is “good.” He or she means that everything in the poverty-stricken inner-city ghetto is “good.”
Cool—One of the most enduring slang terms in American culture. The word “Cool” has seen many forms. As a youth, you probably used the term sensibly: “Hot dog! It’s cool outside, Mabel.” Your teenager uses it in a different context:

“That’s Cool.”
Translation: Marijuana is being smoked.

“That is so Cool.”
Translation: A lot of marijuana is being smoked.

“Not Cool.”
Translation: The dog is being smoked.

Use this vocabulary with caution, as we “old people” often misuse it. Here are a few frequently asked questions and answers to guide you:
Q: I thought I asked my teen to take out the garbage, but she ended up getting pregnant. What did I say wrong?
A: Effective communication can be difficult. It is best that you start out slowly. Clearly, you rushed this process, perhaps saying, “ Come on, ride the train” when you meant, “Hit the skins, bitch.” Remind your teen: Take out the trash, don’t fornicate with the trash.
I told my teen that I loved him, but he became a heroin addict. What did I say wrong this time?
A: Your teen’s heroin addiction is probably your fault. The things you tell your teen are vital in making sure he or she takes a pass on that crack pipe when attending a friend’s drug party. Here are a few phrases to say to your teens to keep them drug-free:
     “I love you like a play cousin.”
     “You’re my favorite trick.”
     “The Pimp Daddy is in the hizz-ouse.”
     “Yeah, dog, I got the stash up my cavity.”
Q: I bought my son a pair of pants, but he keeps wearing them below his waist. How do I tell him to straighten up?
A: Simply ask your foolhardy son, “Where my dogs at?” He should comply immediately.
While learning how to talk to your teen, you must be able to “stay cool.” Panic attacks do not help. Just because your teen speaks a different language than you doesn’t mean that you are out of touch with your teen. It just simply means that you are too busy to care what is happening in your child’s life.

Chapter 5—How to talk to your teen through the bulletproof window at the rehab clinic.

More information on drugs:
Purple Dragon Lunchbox, Mister President

Copyright 2011 Modern Humorist, Inc.
All Rights Reserved.
Modern Humorist is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.