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The Madonna Fan’s Dream Set List
1.
Vogue
2.
Like a Virgin
3.
Like a Prayer
4.
Express Yourself
5.
Into the Groove
6.
Material Girl
7.
Open Your Heart
8.
Cherish
9.
True Blue
10.
Beautiful Stranger
11.
Ray of Light
12.
Borderline
13.
Papa Don’t Preach
14.
Justify My Love


The Madonna Tour’s Actual Set List
1-17.
Shit from recent albums
18.
This Used to Be My Playground
19.
Where’s the Party (acoustic)
20-33.
Highlights from The Next Best Thing soundtrack
34.
Don’t Cry for Me Argentina
35.
Memory
36.
Escape (The Piña Colada Song)
37.
Waltzing Matilda
38.
Theme from Bridge on the River Kwai (dance remix)
39.
University of Michigan Fight Song
40.
Shanti/Ashtangi (encore)


Culture/Fashion/Fetish Combinations to Anticipate
Scottish kilt worn with knee-high, lace-up leather boots
Lasso bondage imagery
17,000-person game of Truth or Dare
Leopard-fur thongs on live cheetahs
Japanese anime sumo threesomes
Classic Dick Tracy villains in Les Liasons Dangereuse garb simulating auto-erotic asphyxiation


Safety Tips:
Do:
Praise Madonna
Imitate Madonna
Feel Madonna’s aura
Do not:
Look directly at Madonna
Mimic Madonna
Undermine Madonna’s commanding presence with mindless chatter
Do:
Compare Madonna the entertainer to Madonna the Holy Mother
Do not:
Compare Guy Ritchie the film director to Guy Smiley the Sesame Street game show host
Do:
Make sly references to Madonna’s "Two Smoking Barrels"
Do not:
Say anything crude about her jugs
Do:
Say that Guy Ritchie is a "hottie"
Do not:
Say that Snatch substitutes an incredible volume of profanity for any semblance of character development. Not that British people swearing isn’t a hoot.
Do:
Request "Material Girl"
Do not:
Request updated version of "Papa Don’t Preach" exploring moral ambiguities of embryonic stem cell research
Do:
Wear shimmering silver clothes.
Do not:
Attempt to disguise yourself if your name is "Weird Al" Yankovic. You are not welcome.
Do:
Consider being rained on by Madonna’s saliva as a blessing from on high
Do not:
Take the sample to a DNA cloning laboratory and attempt to create a new Madonna
Do:
Marvel at Madonna’s seemingly endless series of reinventions
Do not:
Mention the accent
Do:
Proceed to exits in orderly fashion in case of fire
Do not:
Worry about trampling "Weird Al" Yankovic
Do:
Ask an usher to direct you to your seat if you have trouble locating your section
Do not:
Expect special treatment just because you’re Sean Penn
Do:
Express the hope that Madonna will never stop recording new music
Do not:
Forget that there may come a time when she must leave this earthly sphere and be replaced with an army of licensed clones



Map of Typical Drowned World Tour Venue
1.
Madonna
2.
Guy Ritchie and kids
3.
Orthodontist
4.
Dancers
5.
Security guards
6.
Madonna’s dressing room
7.
Mobile hair-dying facility
8.
Teenage girls
9.
Women in their twenties who dusted off their pointy leather bras for the occasion
10.
Gentlemen who like gentlemen
11.
AOL contest winners
12.
Sean Penn
13.
Yankovic



Words Madonna Might Have Across the Front of Her Shirt
Britney
Snatch
Chest
Breasts
Oprah
Regis
Haley Joel
Condit
Campaign Finance Reform
Toronto Raptors
Abercrombie & Fitch
Dude, Where’s My Car? (wrap party commemorative tee)
I Survived the Scream Machine at Six Flags Great Adventure
Winston, Miller Lite, Castrol, Tide and Hardee’s (Talladega SuperSpeedway show)



The Celebrity List Section from "Vogue"
Updated for Contemporary Audiences
Edward Norton, Lucy Liu
Kirsten Dunst and Carey, Drew.
Matthew Perry, Jenna Bush
J. Lo and her ample tush.
Ray Romano, Zeta-Jones.
Ew! Calista’s pointy bones.
Haley Joel and Nathan Lane,
Robert Downey does cocaine.
Martha Stewart bakes a cake,
Spears and Justin Timberlake.
They had style, they had grace,
To us belong all your base

—"Weird Al" Yankovic



Transcripts of Between-Song Banter Prepared Especially for This Tour by the Sensational British Director Guy Ritchie

After "Like A Virgin"

GUITARIST
What the fuck do you mean you feel like a virgin? Everyone knows you’re a mum. That you got two bloody kids. You’re not foolin’ anyone.

MADONNA
Look mate, that’s not the fucking point of the song. The song is about how the man is so sensitive and gentle that he makes me feel like a virgin. You know, like the first time.

GUITARIST
I don’t give a shit how bloody sensitive he is. He could be Don Juan de Cassa-fucking-nova. All I’m saying is, you can’t feel like you’ve never got your Red Baron popped when everybody knows you got two tykes in the next room wanking off to fucking Oscar the Grouch.


After "Vogue"

MADONNA
Hey band, could you pick it up a bit? We did that last song like a turtle with a fucking limp.

GUITARIST
It’s not my fault, me guitar went out of tune.

MADONNA
Your guitar could be playing in the fucking key of J for all I care, just play faster.

GUITARIST
Song’s a piece of shit anyway. Seriously, who writes a whole song about a bloody magazine?


After "Secret"

BASSIST
So wha’s the bloody secret then?

MADONNA
You think I’m going to tell you?

BASSIST
Come on M’donna, you can’t just sing a whole fu-king song about a secret and then not tell us what the fuuk it is. It’s not proper.


After "Don’t Cry For Me Argentina"

KEYBOARDIST
Ey, M’donna! Where’d ’at song come from, eh?

MADONNA
What the fuck do you mean where did it come from? It came from my bloody larynx you stupid twit.

KEYBOARDIST
I’m not askin’ you ’ose fucking gizzard it came from. I mean what film was it in?

MADONNA
Have you been living in a cave? It’s from "Evita."

GUITARIST
The chick what had 15,000 pairs of shoes?


After "La Isla Bonita"

DRUMMER
"La Isla Bonita"? What the fuck kind of language is that, bloody German?

MADONNA
What fucked up section of Germany have you been to? Wanker.


After "Shanti/Ashtangi"

GUITARIST
[Looks profoundly nervous. At first opportunity, stealthily slips off stage and breaks into full sprint. "Weird Al" attempts to replace him but is beaten senseless by Guy Ritchie’s elite corps of soccer hooligans.]


More musical mirth:
The Britney Papers
OK, I Did It Again
















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