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"Ambassador to Pakistan, Abdul Salam Zaeef said America was 'thirsty for bloodshed.' Apparently that was just a mistranslation, though. Yeah, what the Ambassador really said was that America is thirsty for 'new flavors of Mountain Dew.'"

"Zaeef also said that the Taliban's morale was 'still strong' after two weeks of incessant bombing. Yeah, apparently Mullah Omar said in a radio speech, 'If we don't get back to the business of throwing homosexuals from the roofs of buildings and subjecting women who laugh outside the home to savage, public beatings, then the Americans will have won.'"

"Al Qaeda had announced that they were offering a $50,000 reward for any Afghan who captures an American soldier on the ground. That's right. But then America froze 40 more al Queda bank accounts and the offer was reduced to three McDonald's gift certificates, a 'Venture' cartridge for ColecoVision, and a wet box of old Barbies."

"Americans are always complaining that their government is inefficient, and I can't say I blame them. Seems like they have the CIA and the whole US Army over here and they haven't been able to find a single, high-ranking member of al Qaeda. On the other hand, yesterday, Osama got four Eddie Bauer catalogs."

"Did you catch today's entertainment? The Taliban paraded a bunch of foreign-journalist spies down the street so we could throw rocks at them. Man, I haven't seen anyone that stoned since I attended the al Qaeda training seminar on 'Blending in at a Phish concert.'"

"Have you been listening to the US propaganda? Who comes up with this stuff? One of the broadcasts said 'Mullah Mohammed Omar is at home enjoying his wives while he sends you off to die.' [boos] I can tell you one thing for sure: Whoever wrote that has never had a good look at the Mullah's wives. [laughs] In fact, one of the Mullah's wives is so fat — [audience: 'PRAISE ALLAH! HOW FAT IS SHE?'] She's so fat that if the Northern Alliance could capture just HER, they'd control 35% of the country! [hysterical wailing] She's so fat that she thought 60,000 humanitarian food packets being dropped on Mazar-e Sharif was breakfast in bed!" [hooting and whistling]

"Tomorrow is Groundhog Day in Afghanistan. You know Groundhog Day. That's when Osama comes out of his cave and if he doesn't see an elite platoon of US Army Rangers, we get six more weeks of finding out which homes have been built on top of an underground munitions depot."

"In the Great Satan, the people are so fearful of al Qaeda that every time someone sets off a bomb, it's going to get blamed on Osama. In fact, I hear ABC is trying to blame him for 'What About Joan?'"

"When the US Commandos invaded last week they left behind pictures of New York City firemen putting an American flag on top of the World Trade Center ruins. [discontented muttering] That's true. In a related survey, most Taliban soldiers still believe it is their sworn duty to kill all Americans, but eight out of ten also believe that Giuliani is one hell of a mayor." [enthusiastic clapping in support of Rudy]

—John Warner and Kevin Guilfoile

More from Jai al-Leno:
Bombing with Jai al-Leno
Kandahar Har Har

More topical humor:
Comedy Under Siege

More by Warner and Guilfoile (& Bush):
My First Presidentiary

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