Modern Humorist - Attention Comedy Readers!
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To serve our users better in this time of heightened security concerns, we are instituting a reader check-in process. Using biometric technology, we will record and analyze identifiable physical characteristics of all visitors. You do not have to participate in the biometric identification process, but you must go through the security portal. We apologize for any inconvenience caused by our zealous dedication to your safety.

Q: What is biometrics?
A: Biometrics is a cutting-edge technology that identifies people using precise measurement and analysis of physical traits. It includes techniques such as fingerprint and face recognition, voice verification and retina scanning. It has been used at the 2001 Super Bowl in Tampa to search the crowd for known criminals and in such movies as "Sneakers" and "Mission: Impossible" to further an otherwise unremarkable plot.

Q: Must I agree to submit to the biometric identification process?
A: Absolutely not! You will be given a choice whether or not you want to be safe. We understand that a certain percentage of our audience has something to hide.

Q: Could a hacker gain access to my data?
A: The chance of our security database being hacked is extremely small as our encryption technology and firewalls are not challenging enough to pique the interest of a skilled hacker.

Let's start the check-in process!

Please focus your eyes on this dot. Ordinary eyeglasses or contact lenses will not affect the scanning process. If you are wearing novelty "droopy eyeball" glasses or special white contact lenses for your role as "Storm" in "X-Men 2" you must remove them now.

Choose one of the responses to the question below and click "Continue."

Do you agree to allow your retinas to be scanned for comparison with those of known criminals and terrorists and for inclusion in the Modern Humorist database?

Yes, I agree. Please scan my retinas now.
No, I do not wish to have my retinas scanned at this time.

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Modern Humorist is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.