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very year, summer’s frolics must turn to fall’s quiet anguish. And this year, our hearts are especially heavy, as we honor the loved ones affected by tragedy and the cheap migrant labor stymied at the border. For over thirty years, Douglass and Ferncroft has been a leading purveyor of Florida citrus (and fruit!), and we refuse to let a handful of radicals roll back the tide of civilization or NAFTA. Yes, the current recession and our newly reenforced border to the south have necessitated some improvising. But we trust you’ll find this year’s citrus offerings will still let you give Old Man Winter a big punch to the groin.

Yours in sunshineosity,
Douglass and Ferncroft

The Citrus-Delight Mini-Pak
We heard you: Our Orange and Grapefruit of the month Citrus Management System gift basket is too much for your busy lifestyle. But that’s no reason to miss out on sweet, sun-tacular goodness. We’ve taken the BIG Douglass & Ferncroft citrus experience and put it into one can of frozen orange juice concentrate that you can use at any time with the water of your choice.

The Bounce Back
Sooner or later, we all get the blues. This basket is a real "pick-me-up" for people who can not otherwise be picked up or handled because of size or medication. The Bounce Back contains two juicy pears, thirteen containers of tangy Chedderal Express pressurized cheese substance and one box of Bounce fabric softener.

The Underwhelmer
Finally, a gift basket that corrects lofty expectations. (Actually, it’s more of a foam tray.) You’ll get that "Um, thanks," you’ve been looking for with three sticks of Fruit Stripe gum, one issue of Newsweek (August 25, 1997), and laces for one shoe. "Whatever, man!"

The Mitten
The perfect gift for the person who’s always losing a mitten. It’s a wonderful basket containing one mitten and four outrageously juicy pears. Please specify right or left.

The Scurvy
Ahoy, matey! Everyone loves the smell of sea air and the sight of huge wind-filled canvas sails setting great sloops in motion to distant shores. We’ve captured those delights in this memorable gift. With oranges and grapefruits, right? Hells no! Your seaman’s chest contains a four-month supply of hard tack, salted cod and assorted tools for scrimshaw.

The Crime Scene
This basket will have the mystery buff or budding Sherlock Holmes in your family dusting for prints…and asking for seconds. Contains one lock of human hair, one bloody pair of crimping shears, one cassette tape of a hysterical 911 caller, a dozen delicious tangerines, hastily scrawled receipts for two human kidneys and keys to a 1988 Ford Econoline van parked at Orlando International Airport. Each treat is gift wrapped and labeled in its own Ziploc bag. It’s elementary!

To buy REAL gifts, check out these selections
from our Modern Humorist Superstore,
modeled by Chippy the Chimpanzee:
Chippy’s Picks

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