It might not be the Sands Hotel, but every night at 11:30 Guantanamo Bay time, the al Qaeda prisoners pony up the two-water minimum and enjoy another performance from the Mullah of Mirth, the Talibans former Minister of Monologue, Jai al-Leno and his "Not-Ready-For-the-Geneva-Conventions Players."
"How about these cages theyve got us in, huh? Eight feet square. Chain link all around. Three meals a day. A couple of towels. In Kunduz, we call that a DoubleTree."
"Theyve named this place Camp X-Ray, although I can think of another medical procedure thats a little more descriptive. Actually, its not so bad. They send a doctor around once a day to check us all out, and make sure that were healthy. Thats nice to have, but by Allah, the $10 co-payments are killing me."
"In case anyone needs to be reminded what were fighting for, US troops are still stationed in the holiest of holy lands, the West is waging war to destroy Islam, and Moulin Rouge has won three Golden Globes."
"The guy next to me on the flight over here was kicking and thrashing around, so the Americans gave him some drugs to calm him down. By last night hed used up all our toilet paper writing himself fake OxyContin prescriptions."
"The Americans said they had to put hoods over our heads during the flight because they were afraid one of us might chew through a hydraulic line and crash the plane. Now, some British newspapers are calling that a violation of human rights. Personally, I didnt mind the hoods, but I did think it was cruel when they then coated the hydraulic lines with chocolate."
"Those American interrogations are really brutal, huh? They shackle you to a chair and force you to endure sensory deprivation, extreme heat, bitter cold, physical torture. It turns out they dont want to know anything about al Qaeda. Theyre just taping a Taliban edition of The Chamber. I also heard that Fox is doing a version of The Price is Right. You still have to guess the price of a refrigerator, but theyre going to take the words without going over and replace them with while covered in fire ants."
John Warner and Kevin Guilfoile