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THERMOBARIC BOMBS aren't the only recent American innovation: Researchers at the universities of Nebraska and Florida have created a new cut of steak that they claim is just as delicious as a New York strip, but only half the price. Their so-called "Value Cut" is made from the chuck or the round--a meat revolution that has electrified the culinary and cow communities. Of course, the Value Cut was not born without some disheartening false starts.

Tender Hanger Steak
Juicy and marbled with fine strands of delicious fat, which, upon contact with saliva, exploded in a thunderous ball of meaty fire.

Triangle Snip Cut
A cut that contained the tiny voice inside the cow that says "be bad." Ingestion of the steak caused unpredictable, but ultimately non-threatening behavior.

Eye Round Rump
Consuming this cut caused longevity and, in some cases, immortality. Contained too much gristle.

Mock Shoulder
Cut harbors vague pain that always troubles cow. Ingestion caused vague pain, brain death.

Aft Rib Skirt
Consumption caused hallucinations of vast, pounding waves of howling, wild-eyed spiders. Did not take marinating well.

High Flank Rolls
Without a doubt, the sexiest bit of cow. Seemed a shame to eat it.

Ample Bone Hip Steak
Portion cow always felt he/she "needed to work on." Eating resulted in moody social introversion and urge to hack apart entire wardrobe with scissors.

Corned Lip
Location of elusive "cow soul." Ingestion caused eater to stare into the whirling abyss of cow's true self. Left behind a gamy aftertaste and gibbering madness.

Hoof Ridge
Contained an entire, angry goose prone to biting.

Hoof Instep
Tender cut which the angry, biting goose from the Hoof Ridge fought viciously to devour. Incredibly delicious, but not really worth fighting the goose for.

More by Christopher Painter:
Building the Perfect Salmon
Elf at His Best
The Box Set of the Year
Secret Santas Revealed

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