| LIKE ALL BATTLES between great artists (Pollock/DeKooning, Hemingway/Fitzgerald, Chung/Sawyer), the Nas/Jay Z feud has fueled brilliant artistic expression. What began as a small disagreement over penis size and number of bitches has become a clash of epic proportions. Just as the East Coast-West Coast rift shaped hip-hop’s second decade, the cold war between Jay-Z (aka Jigga, aka Hova, aka Shawn Carter) and Nas (aka Nas) may determine the course of human history. |
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July 8, 1994
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Nas and Jay-Z are hired into MetLife’s executive training program. Jay-Z gets peeved when Nas leaves his printout just sitting in the printer for, like, three days.
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May 13, 1996
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Jay-Z places Nas’s "Illmatic" on random play, disrespecting the organic flow of the music that Nas intended.
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July 22, 1996
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Nas misdials Jay-Z and hangs up. One month later, Jay-Z releases his first club hit, "Why You Call Me and Hang Up, Nas?"
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December 10, 1996
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Nas hears background singers on Jay-Z’s "Cashmere Thoughts" referring to Nas as an "indefatigable, unrealistic Dr. Pangloss." Nas makes no apologies for his optimism.
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January 11, 1997
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At a party in Ja Rule’s backyard, Jay-Z and Nas come to blows on value of non-violent resistance in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
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March, 1997
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At Biggie Smalls’ funeral, Jay-Z and Nas use the same sample—from "From a Distance"—as the basis for their eulogies. Biggie attempts to roll over in his grave but has no wiggle room.
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February 25, 1999
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When syncing their PalmPilots, Nas and Jay-Z learn that only Jay-Z has Lil’ Kim's updated e-mail address.
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June 15, 2000
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In a Vibe interview, Nas calls life tough without technically calling it Hard KnockTM.
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August 8, 2000
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In a smoke-filled room, Nas and Jay-Z argue vociferously about who should head Method Man-Redman Presidential ticket; their disagreement ultimately contributes to ticket stalling and death of dream of first hip-hop presidency.
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October 14, 2000
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Nas and Jay-Z ultimately disagree on whether to support Al Gore or Ralph Nader for Prezzizzident.
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August 29, 2001
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Jay-Z insists upon declaring H to the izzo, V to the izzay, despite conclusive findings by Nas’s team of researchers that it is C to the izzo and P to the shizzay.
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December 3, 2001
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Nas doesn’t invite Jay-Z to see "Gosford Park" with Ghostface Killa even though they’re, like, really good friends. At the movies, Ghostface Killa and Nas split the biggest tub of popcorn.
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March 12, 2002
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At movie premiere of "All About the Benjamins," Nas has the gall to claim it is occasionally also about the Ulysses S. Grants.
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Today
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In their respective cribs, which sit many miles apart, Nas and Jay-Z appear to be looking at their respective walls, but are in fact training their penetrating stares at one another through the physical barriers and across space. A flicker of regret runs through Jay-Z's mind. Nas has a momentary pang of conscience. It lifts. The staring resumes.
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More hip-hop hilarity:
Ain't Nothin But a Gangsta Termination of Limited-Term Employment
Celebrity Home Page: Puff Daddy
Form 1040: Schedule J.Lo
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All Rights Reserved.
Modern Humorist is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.
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