Shop the MH Superstore!

LIKE ALL BATTLES between great artists (Pollock/DeKooning, Hemingway/Fitzgerald, Chung/Sawyer), the Nas/Jay Z feud has fueled brilliant artistic expression. What began as a small disagreement over penis size and number of bitches has become a clash of epic proportions. Just as the East Coast-West Coast rift shaped hip-hop’s second decade, the cold war between Jay-Z (aka Jigga, aka Hova, aka Shawn Carter) and Nas (aka Nas) may determine the course of human history.

July 8, 1994
Nas and Jay-Z are hired into MetLife’s executive training program. Jay-Z gets peeved when Nas leaves his printout just sitting in the printer for, like, three days.
May 13, 1996
Jay-Z places Nas’s "Illmatic" on random play, disrespecting the organic flow of the music that Nas intended.
July 22, 1996
Nas misdials Jay-Z and hangs up. One month later, Jay-Z releases his first club hit, "Why You Call Me and Hang Up, Nas?"
December 10, 1996
Nas hears background singers on Jay-Z’s "Cashmere Thoughts" referring to Nas as an "indefatigable, unrealistic Dr. Pangloss." Nas makes no apologies for his optimism.
January 11, 1997
At a party in Ja Rule’s backyard, Jay-Z and Nas come to blows on value of non-violent resistance in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
March, 1997
At Biggie Smalls’ funeral, Jay-Z and Nas use the same sample—from "From a Distance"—as the basis for their eulogies. Biggie attempts to roll over in his grave but has no wiggle room.
February 25, 1999
When syncing their PalmPilots, Nas and Jay-Z learn that only Jay-Z has Lil’ Kim's updated e-mail address.
June 15, 2000
In a Vibe interview, Nas calls life tough without technically calling it Hard KnockTM.
August 8, 2000
In a smoke-filled room, Nas and Jay-Z argue vociferously about who should head Method Man-Redman Presidential ticket; their disagreement ultimately contributes to ticket stalling and death of dream of first hip-hop presidency.
October 14, 2000
Nas and Jay-Z ultimately disagree on whether to support Al Gore or Ralph Nader for Prezzizzident.
August 29, 2001
Jay-Z insists upon declaring H to the izzo, V to the izzay, despite conclusive findings by Nas’s team of researchers that it is C to the izzo and P to the shizzay.
December 3, 2001
Nas doesn’t invite Jay-Z to see "Gosford Park" with Ghostface Killa even though they’re, like, really good friends. At the movies, Ghostface Killa and Nas split the biggest tub of popcorn.
March 12, 2002
At movie premiere of "All About the Benjamins," Nas has the gall to claim it is occasionally also about the Ulysses S. Grants.

In their respective cribs, which sit many miles apart, Nas and Jay-Z appear to be looking at their respective walls, but are in fact training their penetrating stares at one another through the physical barriers and across space. A flicker of regret runs through Jay-Z's mind. Nas has a momentary pang of conscience. It lifts. The staring resumes.

More hip-hop hilarity:
Ain't Nothin But a Gangsta Termination of Limited-Term Employment
Celebrity Home Page: Puff Daddy

Form 1040: Schedule J.Lo

Copyright 2011 Modern Humorist, Inc.
All Rights Reserved.
Modern Humorist is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.