Modern Humorist - Jacko Not Wacko?
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BACKED BY AL SHARPTON and Johnnie Cochran, Michael Jackson is protesting that Sony Music failed to properly promote his recent album — despite Sony’s spending $55 million on the commercially disappointing "Invincible." Jackson blames the music industry’s rampant racism and suppression of African-American artists. (Ashanti, Nelly and some others presumably excepted.)
Lest you think that Jackson is simply unhappy with his Sony deal and looking to create bad press for the company, Modern Humorist has uncovered these inter-office Sony memos proving that Jackson is, indeed, correct.

July 12, 2001

From: Tommy Mottola, Chairman and CEO Sony Music
To: Sony Music Execs

Fellow money-controllers,

I have some shocking news. Michael Jackson’s forthcoming record "Invincible" is actually good. Too good. Not merely an overproduced retread of his early accomplishments, it’s a work so outstanding that we must not promote it at all. He has earned too much money for us already. We must keep this album, and the albums of other profitable African-American musicians, down. Should the public discover this "rhythm and blues" music there will certainly be an eruption of hip- and booty-shaking so monumental that it will lead to the downfall of all white-driven music.

Michael Jackson has gone too far this time with his genius. The combined one-two punch of this astonishing record and his sculpted pre-Raphaelite beauty could send tremors through the music industry and open new doors for both African-Americans and former African-Americans. If you value your jobs, and the music of groups like Train and Nickelback, you will do your damnedest to keep this album away from the virgin ears of America.


The Devil

July 23rd, 2001

From: Michelle Anthony, VP Sony Music
To: Tommy Mottola

Plans are already in place to ensure the failure of the stunning, sublime "Invincible." We have planned events that are so extreme that they will surely tarnish Jackson’s image and reduce him to an industry joke. It may take $55 million, but we will make sure that this album is "vincible" after all.

Phase one is the video for the insanely catchy "You Rock My World." MJ is known for his extravagant and over-the-top videos, but this one will make "Black or White" look like a student film. We’ve lined up Michael and Chris Tucker as tough-dancing gangsters, an incoherent Marlon Brando (is there any other kind?), and the ultimate music video kiss of death: a cameo by Michael Madsen. Top that off with an extended action sequence and we’ve got a nine-minute monstrosity guaranteed to be played once on TRL and then buried in the VH1 graveyard.

Next is his anniversary concert planned for early September. It will be a self-congratulatory, masturbatory, back-patting-atory retread of Jackson’s past accomplishments with a parade of his B-list pals crying through their botched facelifts. Liza, Brando again, Liz Taylor, Mac Culkin if we’re lucky. (If not, try Kieran.) We’ve got MJ’s brothers desperately trying to remember the choreography for "I Want You Back." And CBS has agreed to air the concert a few weeks after the release of "Invincible," thereby guaranteeing a mammoth cross- promotion of disastrous proportions.

(We’re tossing around some ideas for a mid-September international event that will further eclipse MJ’s thunder. It’s still in the initial stages, but keep your schedule clear for the week of the 10th.)

Finally, the coup de grace. Sometime around July of next year, Jackson will get an anonymous tip that forces within Sony have conspired against his album. (Tee hee!) Knowing Jackson, he’ll hold some bizarre press conference with Al Sharpton, Johnnie Cochran and the Elephant Man. Hopefully he’ll say something ridiculous, like that those who support him are "fighting for all black people, dead or alive." All of this plus his cameo as an alien in Men in Black 2 (thanks, Sonnenfeld!) will help enforce the image of Jackson as an emotionally stunted grotesque and ensure the failure of the brilliant and undeniably funky "Invincible."


The Devil’s Advocate

More music industry humor:
The R. Kelly Sex Video

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