Modern Humorist - Fall 2002 TV Preview
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We have a bet going with Zucker at NBC. Our show has Traylor Howard ("Boston Common," "Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place"). Their new show, "Hidden Hills," has Paula Marshall ("Snoops," "Cupid," The Weber Show"). If their show gets cancelled first, they have to spring for Chinese for a whole month on SmackDown night. You can make it happen, folks.

This show was originally entitled "RHD," but test audiences thought it referred to something they had to memorize in biology class. ATP? RNA? Something with growth hormone? We hear you, America. Tom Sizemore, not known for his roles in "Heat" or "Saving Private Ryan," prepares to be not known for his role as Detective Sam Cole.

This medical drama revolves around a team of dedicated physicians that treats the patient, not the problem. Unlike "ER." Remember that time on "ER" when Dr. Carter left a five-year-old victim of a drunk driving accident on the operating table to catch the last quarter of a Bulls game? That shit will NOT fly at the Presidio.

Using a sophisticated system of profiling techniques, the FBI Missing Persons Squad tracks down victims of abduction. Not all victims, just the, you know, tragic cases—like Melanie Denne, the beautiful, fair-skinned 6-year-old who was abducted after a ballet lesson at Adele’s Dance School in Evanston, IL. Or Cindy Halworth, the blonde haired, blue eyed fourth grade daughter of a Fortune 500 CEO.

Jami Gertz, better than she ever did. Looking like a true survivor. Feeling like a little kid.

While the Vegas-set CSI investigates grisly and sexy crimes involving dead hookers and strippers, "CSI: Miami" gets dead hookers and strippers…with tans. In the pilot, star David Caruso tries to find out what, exactly, was slipped into his drink just before he agreed to make "Jade."

This year, Survivor is moving to exotic and beautiful Thailand, where the castaways will make Prada knockoffs for two dollars an hour, procure the services of child prostitutes and frolic on a hidden beach with Leonardo DiCaprio until their sexual intrigues bring about their ruin in a metaphorical reenactment of the fall from Eden.

When a famous film producer’s partner dies unexpectedly, his world is turned upside down. The only way he can cope is producing more and dumber action movies, eventually branching into the world of television, where he creates the most overrated cop show since "The District." David Morse stars as Jerry Bruckheimer.

A thirty-something loser gets the chance to travel back in time to the fateful week in high school that ruined his life, but upon further reflection, chooses to go back even further in time, to the dawn of man, and exterminate the human race in its infancy.

John Ritter stars as a dad with some tough rules:

Be under the age of eighteen.
2. Failing rule #1, be able to provide proof of employment and/or automobile ownership.
Be prepared to watch episodes of "Hooperman" with the whole family.
I am not to be referred to as "pops," "grandpa" or "Mr. Tripper."
You are not allowed to complain if my daughter wishes to listen to Avril Lavigne while in the car. I put up with it and so should you.
Please note: my daughter will not be getting married until she is over 18. Okay, over 17. But that’s as low as I’ll go, pal.
Just because I refer to her as "the little money vacuum" doesn’t that mean you can.
Use condoms. Or don’t. I’m past caring at this point.

Is this the new "ER"? Or is it anti-homo propaganda, as some in the insurance profession are claiming? Why are the insurance companies are suddenly so protective of the—What’s that? Anti-HMO? Oh, that makes more sense.

Our technicians have assured us that the title of this show is absolutely critic-proof.

Shot in the real-time format pioneered by Fox’s "24," this new drama series covers the 22-hour delivery of exotic dancer Nevada Stevenson’s first child.

Adults and children alike are sure to be enchanted by this new series, set in a magical land populated entirely by clones of Dean Martin. In the pilot, Dinotopia is threatened by a fierce battle with its former ally, Jerrymany. The two agree not to speak for another thirty years.

Bonnie Hunt has it all: a family, a great career, looks and a no-nonsense attitude. The only thing missing in her life is her own show about a woman named Bonnie who also has it all. ABC/Disney to the rescue!

Fourteen women are vying for the wallet of a rich and therefore desirable man. Here are the front runners, and their competitive edges:
Rebecca M, Cheyenne, WY: Pure of heart
Dana R, Edison, NJ: Mob ties
Shannon F, Iowa City, IA: Ivy League educated
Ailene J, Stepford, VT: Entirely subservient
Anna Nicole S, Los Angeles, CA: Experience with marriage to rich guy
Sarah H, Boston, MA: Huge knockers

Some critics may argue that this is a cheap repackaging of one of the few unqualified hits we have on the network. Do any of these critics remember "Ally"? Or that "If You Haven’t Seen It, It’s New To You" campaign? And really, how many different "Law and Order" shows are there now, like fourteen? Besides, we’re the WB. The network that brought you "The Steve Harvey Show" and "Smart Guy." We stopped listening to critics a long time ago.

It’s an adaptation of "Boogie Nights." Thank you! I’ll be here all week. Well, at least until Thursday. Then I have to go visit my grandmother.

Few of us at the WB could contain our enthusiasm when we signed Gary Cole to play the father in the remake of this heartwarming series from the ’60’s. We were all running around the office saying stuff like "Whatchoo talkin' ’bout, Mr. French?" and laughing our asses off. Then some punk intern told us that that’s a different guy.

What if you could go back in time and change the mistakes you made in the past? What if you could go back to high school and do things right this time? What if you were a WB development exec who heard that ABC was doing a time travel show and decided to steal the concept?

Guys, have you read the description for this show? The Barbara Gordon Bat-Girl (confined to a wheelchair à la Alan Moore’s landmark graphic novel "The Killing Joke") teams up with the Earth-2 version of the Huntress (Batman and Catwoman’s supposed lovechild) to defend Gotham City against the Joker’s sidekick Harley Quinn (from the animated series!!!). It’s such a weird jumble of current and pre-Crisis DC Comics continuity mixed with a generic "V.I.P." rip-off. What’s next, a buddy cop show teaming the Jason Todd Robin and Beppo the Super-Monkey? I can’t wait to write a joke for this show.
--Nick Nadel

Several things, actually. You keep me warm at night, and you really know how to dance. Also, you gave me a handjob on our first date.

Just chillin with Skad-lo and Megan at Cody’s bungalow. The weather here is hot, but it’s a dry heat. We were gonna take a drive the other day, but Cody got some bad weed. Hope you can make it out for Burning Man, brah. Havin' a here time, wish you were beautiful,

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