Modern Humorist - If I Ran My Own Company
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"Paulson, you have three seconds to tell me why you're fired."
"But I--"
"You're fired."

"Henderson, you have leukemia."
"But I kid. Actually, you're just fired. See, isn't that better? You may be fired, but you don't have leukemia."
"I-- but I DO have leukemia."
"I see."
"Clean out your desk by five, Henderson."

"You wanted to see me, sir?"
"Yes, Reynolds. What's the difference between you and you're fired?"
"I-- what?"
"Clean out your desk, Reynolds."

"Yes, sir?"
"Ah, come in, Eckhardt. How's the family?"
"Oh. Uh, good, sir. Very fine."
"Top drawer. How about your little boy? He getting better at the ol' baseball?"
"Hockey, sir. Yes, he's getting very good."
"Do you think he'd be any good at cleaning out your desk by five?"
"Because you're fired."

"Let me tell you a story, Jenkins. Once upon a time you were fired. Then you cleaned out your desk by five."

"It pains me to do this, Wellington, but you're fired."
"I-- I understand, sir."
"Wellington, I lie. It doesn't pain me at all. Actually, I've been looking forward to firing you all day. Just to see your face crumble. It's one of the small joys in my life."
"I see, sir."
"You wouldn't take away my joy, would you, Wellington? You selfish bastard, you would, wouldn't you?"
"I've had it up to here with your attitude, Wellington! You're fired!"
"But you already--"

"You're hired, you're fired, clean out your desk by five!"

"Just line them up against the wall like that."
"Like this, sir?"
"Yes, p
erfect.Okay, you're fired you're fired you're fired you're fired. Clean out your desks. Wow, that felt good. Go get four more, I'd like to try that right to left this time."

"Come in, Newton. We were just talking about you. I'll be blunt. What sort of future do you see for yourself at Pinkerton Consolidated?"
"Exactly. Say, here's an idea for your future. Why don't you clean out your desk and not be in this building by five?"

"Marianne, send in someone please. Anyone at all. Oo! Send in someone with one eyebrow!"
"Sir, you've fired everyone."
"Already? But it's not even three."
"You've outdone yourself, sir."
"Excellent. Alright, make a note that we need to hire 500 employees tomorrow."
"Yes, sir."
"Then put me down the day after that for firing all of them."
"Yes, sir."
"Oh, and get them to bring stuff in tomorrow. Tell them to put it in their desks. Tell them to load their desks right up."
"Yes, sir."
"Also you're fired."
"Yes, sir."
"I am a fantastic businessman."

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