Modern Humorist - Responding to Spam
Shop the MH Superstore!

On Friday June 20, you wrote:

>Russian Mail Order Brides
>Tired of Dating Spoiled American Women?
>Russian Women are Unspoiled, Devoted and Grateful!
>(Browse the FREE Pictures THEY Sent In!)
>We'll Post Your FREE Ad on Our Russian Site.
>Let Women Come To You For A Change.

To whom it may concern,

I was trying to decide which method I'd use to enlarge my penis in order to satisfy these ungrateful American women, when I happened upon your unique offer. A Russian mail order bride sounds like just the thing, and I'm especially interested because they are unspoiled.

Before submitting my order, however, I'd like you to address a few concerns I have about your shipping methods.

I once had a bad experience with a mail-order pie company based in Cleveland --- a town in one of our American states known as Ohio. The company advertised the pies as "fresh" (aka "unspoiled"). However, by the time I received my package the pie was anything but. What should have been an enjoyable apple pie sent me to the hospital with the most horrible digestive cramps I've ever experienced.

It is that experience which has taught me to be wary of ordering any perishable goods via the mail, no matter how good the offer sounds. This brings us back to the Russian brides and my questions for you:

1. What shipping company and packaging type will you be using? It would seem to me that guaranteed Next Business Morning from FedEx would be your preferred method in some sort of crate with lots of soft material inside -- maybe bubble wrap? I have to tell you, the Cleveland company tried to save money by using DHL, and I absolutely refuse to accept DHL shipments after that experience. They just wrapped the pie in old newspapers and put it in a cardboard box. I can't imagine that old newspapers would preserve the freshness of a Russian woman.

2. How will I know if the Russian bride is spoiled or not? The easiest for me would be if she came with a "use by" date -- that way I could be absolutely sure she wasn't spoiled. Some products, like milk, come with a "sell by" date, which is somewhat helpful. Even if you purchased the item by that date, though, you wouldn't know how long it was good for without a firm "use by" date. I know I get nervous with milk about three days past the "sell by" date. Then I start smelling the milk constantly to see if I can detect spoilage. Assuming you only employ a "sell by" date, what sort of smell does a spoiled Russian bride emit? With uncertain milk, I'll sometimes let the dog try some and see if he gets sick. Would that work with a Russian bride?

3. In the unfortunate event that the Russian bride is indeed spoiled, what is your return policy? Will I have to pay for return shipping? Again, I've learned from that pie experience to be clear about the return policy. Let's say there's some sort of delay in shipment so that the bride arrives after the "use by" date. Clearly, I wouldn't want to accept her. Will you pay for her speedy return to Russia? That pie company offered no such return option, so I just tossed the remaining spoiled pie in my compost heap. In America, we have laws against doing that sort of thing with humans, though. It seems to me that your company should assume responsibility for disposing of any spoiled brides.

4. If I partake of the Russian bride, and she is spoiled, and I end up with painful digestive cramps, what is your liability? I can only assume you've got small print somewhere which indemnifies you against any health insurance claims due to use of a spoiled bride. Still, I'd like to know the precise terms of that liability.

All in all, I'm very excited about the prospect of an unspoiled Russian bride delivered directly to my door, but I hope you can understand my hesitation. I've just been burned too many times before.

Sincerely looking forward to doing business,
Baratunde Rafiq Thurston


More by Baratunde R. Thurston

More spam laffs:
Historical E-Mail: Spam Through the Centuries

Copyright 2011 Modern Humorist, Inc.
All Rights Reserved.
Modern Humorist is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.