January 20: Take oath to uphold the honor and dignity of the office of President of the United States. Nudge Rehnquist, ask what hes wearing under that dress.
January 23: Award Presidential Medal of Freedom to Ralph Nader.
January 24: Help Alec Baldwin pack.
January 30: Memo to Jeb: in your face, Poindexter!
January 31: Get people working on stuff.
February 3: Bring Democrats and Republicans together.
February 4: Bring peanut butter and chocolate together.
February 5: Unite North, South Dakota; North, South Carolina; New, Old Mexico.
February 7: Get loaded, fail to name designated driver, dont tell anyone for 25 years, usher in an era of personal responsibility.
February 9: Change pitch and tone of Washington to something that will only annoy dogs.
February 12: Replace Affirmative Action with Affirmative Access. Replace Medicare with Medicool. Replace Department of Transportation with Department of Fantabulation.
February 18: Offer Jeb important cabinet positionpossibly Secretary of My Asshole.
February 20: Invite NRA executives into Oval Office to write legislation, play Madden NFL 2001.
March 1-March 31: Halftime!
April 1: Plant flowers in Rose Garden: daisies?
April 7: Give younger workers the opportunity to responsibly invest a portion of their payroll taxes in eBay bids.
April 9: Open up Yellowstone National Park, the Appalachian Trail and Chappaqua, NY for oil exploration.
April 12: State dinner for Emperor Akihito of Japan. Do "Samurai Dry Cleaner" sketch.
April 15: Replace soft bigotry of low expectations with hard nougat of candy.
Try Oval Office fellatio (once or twice; whats the harm?).