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January 20: Take oath of office without ever removing lips from Tipper's.

January 21: Send McCain-Feingold Bill to Congress.

January 22-February 6: Cram in fundraising calls just in case it passes.

February 8: Clearcut something, just to rub it in Nader’s face.

February 10: Increase passion of kiss by factor of seven to reflect growing confidence in office.

February 11: Issue executive order to save Napster. Order DSL from Verizon.

February 12: Appoint Tommy Lee Jones to search out violence in Hollywood and terminate it with extreme prejudice.

February 14: Valentine’s Day. Gently maneuver tongue from standard kiss locality to "The Splitting of the Bamboo" position (consult "Art of Tantric Ecstasy," chapter 4).

February 16: Cancel afternoon meetings; wait home for Verizon.

February 20: Stand up to special interests.

February 21: Send letter of apology to special interests. Promise never to do it again.

February 23: Wait for Verizon.

March 3: Host kickball game on White House lawn. Try not to get picked last.

March 7: Place Social Security in iron-clad lock box. Take it out, just to peek. Tickle it. Put it back.

March 10: Wait for Verizon.

March 15: Get Tommy Lee Jones involved with new program: Strap a bomb to a movie and rig it to explode if the movie contains more than 50 acts of violence.

March 17: Replace weekly radio address with weekly radio lecture.

March 20: Commit military to new nation-building mission: construction of 1/5000th scale Lego nation in Pentagon basement.

March 23: In anticipation of opening day’s ceremonial first pitch, practice not throwing like a girl. (Consult Naomi Wolf on infield fly rule?)

April 2: Ask Tommy to introduce me to his agent.

April 10: Change national pastime from baseball to Trivial Pursuit.

April 13: Send military to France for nation-building mission. Rebuild nation with fewer berets, less bitter coffee.

April 15: Send script to Bill at DreamWorks.

April 18: Kiss enters third plane of non-being. Chakras explode.


Waiting for the recount?
See George W’s first hundred days

More Election Chaos 2000
















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