alligator in the opening montage? Her cousin is a good friend of one
of our interns. Thats just one of our sources for the exclusive
"Survivor" spoilers well be presenting in this space
every week. The really juicy stuff is written in hidden text, so you
wont accidentally learn anything you cant handle. The really,
really juicy stuff is written in hidden text and rebus form.
COMING UP ON EPISODE ELEVEN
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The next episode begins with a jolt, as the remaining players find they have no idea who they voted off last time. "Now that weve stripped the show of anyone with personality," someone or other points out, "we cant tell whether one of the rest of us is completely gone or just slightly more dull than usual." The tribe frets about whether they should have kept Jerri or Alicia or Jeff around for entertainment, until Colby snaps them out of it by declaring, "If ifs and buts were candies and nuts, wed all have a merry Christmas." Out of habit, Amber adds, "And a happy new year!" To which Colby replies, "Wait, youre still here?"
Bored and lacking energy, the tribe decides to kill time by cooking and eating all of the copious rice that Jeff Probst gave them in the last episode. As Colby puts it, "If starch and grains were Lionel trains, wed all have a happy birthday." But when lunch is done and Barramundi settles in for its afternoon nap, trouble arrives in the form of a flash rainstorm. Tina complains bitterly about the lack of material for building a shelter until Colby retorts, "If elderly hags were tarps and flags, wed all be a whole lot drier." Eduardo convinces the others that theyre better off anyway, since the old tent was starting to smell like Nicks ass.
The next day, Jeff Probst tells the contestants that because theyve been so unappealing recently, instead of a reward challenge, theyre going to have a punishment challenge. The players are given cash ("Its real money!" exclaims Amber, but Elisabeth points out that its actually Australian money), and then forced to sit through ten minutes of shameless product placement. Reluctantly, the starving outcasts purchase meals of Doritos, Mountain Dew and Bud Light, although Jeff is unable to get any bids for the Pontiac Aztec.
Before long, the junk food binge catches up with everyone. "Im gonna make a trip over the hill," Rodger announces. "Youre already there," everyone else shouts in unison. As one person after another heads off, Colby muses, "If viewers expectations were for more defecations, wed all have really high ratings." Attempts to turn the latrine-a-thon into a bonding experience falter after Rodger makes the charming observation that his leaf has a hole in it, and Tina responds by singing, "Theres a whole in the leaf, dear Liza, dear Liza."
To add insult to gastrointestinal discomfort, Australian authorities soon arrive to fine everyone for ecological destruction in the form of causing a nature preserve to smell like ass. "Not again," moans Colby. "I mean, its not like we were doing anything dangerous like drag racing on a public street."
The following day, Jeff Probst makes an unexpected appearance at the Barramundi camp. "Heres the deal," he explains. "If people want to watch horrifically emaciated starvation victims, theyll switch to Friends. Since we cant have that, Im going to help you out. But its going to cost you." First, he offers the tribe a bag of rice, but only on the condition that Keith cooks it. This is too cruel, and they refuse. Then he says hell give it to them if they let him burn the Texas flag. Colby replies, "If game show hosts were as smart as most, theyd know not to mess with Texas." Eventually the tribe agrees to Jeffs final offer: "Fifty dollars to me at the door plus a blowjob later."
But before the tribe can celebrate, disaster strikes as another rainstorm causes the river to swell rapidly. As the raging water begins to engulf the camp, the full weight of the situation hits Elisabeth, and she shrieks, "Oh my God! Nick washed his ass in that river!"
. . .