Every year, TV Guide puts The Best Show Youre Not
Watching on its cover. We thought youd like to know
what other opportunities youre missing out on.
The Best Meat Product Youre Not Defrosting
The Best Dream of Your Parents Youre Not Fulfilling
Nobel Prize-winning doctor who doesnt live in a basement
The Best Quality of Bill Gates Youre Not Successfully Emulating
That "richest guy in the world" thing
The Best Sexual Position Youre Not Trying
Sitting in a chair, facing each other
The Best Public Image Youre Not Adopting
Disaffected, chain-smoking, Maxim-reading, hardly-endowed comedy writer
The Best Description of Pierce Brosnan Youre Not Using
The Best Harrison Ford Line Youre Not Mocking
"Get off my plane."
The Best Bestiality Joke Youre Not Telling
A man sees a dog licking his balls. He tells his friend, "I wish I could do that." His friend says, "Maybe you should pet him first."
The Best Useless Fact Youre Not Using at Cocktail Parties
Elephants are the only animals that have four knees.
The Best Highway Sign Youre Ignoring
The Best Name Youre Not Giving Your Dog
The Best Excuse for Tardiness at Work Youre Not Giving Your Boss
Stopped off to piss in the ranch dressing at the local salad bar
The Best Jerry Lewis Mannerism Youre Not Adopting
That thing where he looks like he has gas
The Best New Job for Bill Clinton Youre Not Suggesting After a Few Zimas
Mr. Conductor on Thomas the Tank Engine
The Best Pretense Youre Not Affecting
British spellings, like "colour"
The Best Rap Song Title Youre Not Making Your Personal Motto
Damn It Feels Good To Be a Gangsta
The Best Conventional Wisdom Youre Not Following
Put your pants on before your shoes
The Best Fantasy Involving the Olsen Twins Youre Not Having
Pool cues up the ass
More magazine-related humor: