Modern Humorist - The Best Life You're Not Living
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Every year, TV Guide puts “The Best Show You’re Not
Watching” on its cover. We thought you’d like to know
what other opportunities you’re missing out on.

The Best Meat Product You’re Not Defrosting
Lamb chops

The Best Dream of Your Parents You’re Not Fulfilling
Nobel Prize-winning doctor who doesn’t live in a basement

The Best Quality of Bill Gates You’re Not Successfully Emulating
That "richest guy in the world" thing

The Best Sexual Position You’re Not Trying
Sitting in a chair, facing each other

The Best Public Image You’re Not Adopting
Disaffected, chain-smoking, Maxim-reading, hardly-endowed comedy writer

The Best Description of Pierce Brosnan You’re Not Using

The Best Harrison Ford Line
You’re Not Mocking
"Get off my plane."

The Best Bestiality Joke
You’re Not Telling
A man sees a dog licking his balls. He tells his friend, "I wish I could do that." His friend says, "Maybe you should pet him first."

The Best Useless Fact You’re Not Using at Cocktail Parties
Elephants are the only animals that have four knees.

The Best Highway Sign You’re Ignoring

The Best Name You’re Not Giving Your Dog

The Best Excuse for Tardiness at Work You’re Not Giving Your Boss
Stopped off to piss in the ranch dressing at the local salad bar

The Best Jerry Lewis Mannerism You’re Not Adopting
That thing where he looks like he has gas

The Best New Job for Bill Clinton You’re Not Suggesting After a Few Zimas
Mr. Conductor on “Thomas the Tank Engine”

The Best Pretense You’re Not Affecting
British spellings, like "colour"

The Best Rap Song Title
You’re Not Making Your Personal Motto
“Damn It Feels Good To Be a Gangsta”

The Best Conventional Wisdom You’re Not Following
Put your pants on before your shoes

The Best Fantasy Involving the Olsen Twins You’re Not Having
Pool cues up the ass

More magazine-related humor:
Beckett’s Lucky

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Modern Humorist is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.