MODERN HUMORIST is pleased to inform you that the Great Bezos Barbecue Bash is going to be a reality! Amazon.com CEO Jeff Bezos has accepted our generous offer to throw a party for us.
Thanks to your donations through the Amazon Honor System, we raised enough money to present Jeff Bezos with a Weber Black Genesis A Silver gas grill. We telephoned Amazon.com and told them that we fully intended on presenting Jeff with a grill. "And we fully intend to let you," they said. Huzzah! Victory is sweet.
An intimate victory barbecue bash is set for later this month. We have to salute Jeff for his good humor through all of this, though we can't promise that meat will be the only thing to get a grilling. We also must salute our readers for putting up with that pun and for helping us realize a long-standing dream: to eat food cooked by the founder of a major online retailing operation.
But of course, this raises the question of what our next Amazon
Honor System goal should be. It'll probably take us, oh, easily
a month to come up with something
as outlandish as the barbecue idea. Until then, enjoy today's
comedy offering, in which we imagine what it would be like if
McSweeney's were to merge with USA Today:
ATTENTION, KNUCKLE-DRAGGING PRIMATES!
|This will NOT stand! Once again we have been forced to seize this miserable "humor" site and interrupt its crimes against laughter. We can stay SILENT no LONGER. Modern Humorist has corrupted the CLEAR intention of the Amazon Honor System and forced us to ACT. We have HIJACKED the Honor System and incorporated it into our PLAN for world DOMINATION and SUMMER FUN.
We used our considerable SUPER STRENGTH to hold our TONGUES while we watched Modern Humorist raise money to give Amazon.com CEO Jeff Bezos a grill. For the love of all that is WRETCHED, why? WHY would anyone DO such a thing? Money should be hoarded and spent on disgusting self-indulgence, not used to do something NICE for a wealthy man you DONT KNOW! Its madness! We HATE it!
So we have decided that our summer will be much more fun if WE raise money for OUR perverted agenda. Modern Humorist has raised enough money to carry out THEIR insane plan, now we will hatch our OWN. Mwoo-ha-ha-ha! And believe us, we have a list of insane plans as long as your ARM!
THINK of it! Together, we will raise sufficient capital to do something NASTY like pay a skywriter to write RED SOX in the skies over Manhattan. Or hold a private PARTY at Chuck E. Cheese and enjoy greasy pizza between rounds of CENTIPEDE while outside, miserable childrenBARRED from the premisesmoan and wail with longing! "Oh, please let us IN," they'll cry. "Let us partake in your DASTARDLY enjoyment of CLASSIC arcade games." But no, not even child villains will be admitted.
you help us raise just $15-20 million dollars, Modern
Humorist can start a cable network... which WE can TAKE
The evil is only limited by your imagination! Together,
we willas robot-villain Xero-9 likes to say4uc%
Dr. Profanity and Vic Vulgar
Members in good standing, Legion of Bastards
Wicked Projects Fund
To suggest what the devil to do with our evil money, write to Dr. Profanity and Vic Vulgar at firstname.lastname@example.org. Dont worry, well receive your email.
And as promised, here is your Summer Fun Guide. ENJOY!
More fiendish super-villainy:
Infinite Total Request
More comic book adventure:
Speaking Truth to Superpowers
Alan Greenspan's Tales of Terror
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All Rights Reserved.
Modern Humorist is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.