Modern Humorist - Things I Wish I'd Said
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VERY FEW PEOPLE are masters of the spontaneous comeback, the perfect retort at the perfect time. They are: Daphne Wilson of Santa Rosa, California; Abraham Kalidis of Athens, Greece; and Hasana Yurubi of Sokoto, Nigeria. For the rest of us, hindsight is 60 Minutes. Here are some of the things I wish I'd said:

To the waiter, when he spilled soup on me:
"Looks like soup's on me tonight! That is, I will be paying for soup tonight! Paying dearly, I mean! Dearly in money!"

To my boss, when she fired me:
"Yeah? Well you're too late, because I fire you!"

To the surgeon, when he told me I had a brain tumor:
"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that—it's probably just a normal part of my head."

To my ex-lover, when she walked out the door:
"That's the wrong door, ex-lover—you just walked yourself into Narnia!"

To my mother, when she first held me in her arms:
"Hey, we could make a movie out of this, where I'm a baby and I talk."

To the border guard, when he asked if I was transporting any illegal substances:

To George Washington Carver, when he showed me his first peanut:
"Nice, but how many hundreds of things can you make with it?"

To the Virgin Mary, when she rejected my advances:
"You're probably right—we're two very different people."

To the lion, when at the zoo:
"You may be king of the jungle, but that means absolutely nothing to me."

To myself, when looking in the mirror:
"Hello there! Nice to see you again."

Also by Noam Weinstein:
FAQ: Suicide
Name That Baby
My Modern Humorist

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