What part of
The Go Network
don't you understand?

TV is Good.
ABC is Gooder.

Intelligence is Overrated.

Stupid People
Watch ABC.

You wanted Drew Carey twice a week?
You got it!

Monday Night Football
For twenty-nine years, this program has been presenting countless diverse faces. I just think we ought to get a little credit here.

It's like, you know...
Repeated, lingering discussion of Jennifer Grey's face raises issues of Jewish-American identity.

This season on
The Wonderful World
of Disney

"Don't Scream at Lance"
staring 'N Sync

"Mrs. Wackerbacker's Skunk"

"The Fish from Outer Space"

"The Cat that Saved Pittsburgh"

"The Computer Wore Cargo Pants"

"Dharma and G.R.E.G."

"Mulholland Drive"
starring midgets


Hey, boys and girls! It's chief programmer Goofy! Yup, I'm one of the nineteen bosses it takes to program the ABC network. Oops! I mean eighteen. See ya, Jamie. Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk.

I get to pick what's on ABC along with Stu Bloomberg, Patricia Fili-Krushel, Robert Iger, Lloyd Braun, Mr. Eisner, Chip, Dale, Happy, Cap'n Hook, that raccoon from "Pocahontas," a hippo in a tutu, those two other birds from "Three Caballeros," Herbie the Love Bug, the Shaggy DA, and the Witch Mountain kids.

One person can't do it all, you know: there's no I in "team." Or in "ABC"! We do everything as a team, even when we Pooh. Garsh! Did I just say that?

Sunday, 9pm
David E. Kelley — the genius writer/producer behind "Ally McBeal," "Ally," "The Practice" and "Chicago Hope," (all airing this season) — adds to his workload with this sexy new show about female detectives who hide things in their bras.

Special Episode: Every second of this thing is special.

Let's focus on the diverse hats worn by Mr. Kelley. In addition to producing, he will act in every episode. He will also be a writer on "ER," intern at "The Drew Carey Show," key grip on "Dawson's Creek," wardrobe consultant for "Jeopardy!," the set designer for "Guiding Light," narrator of "Biography: Mary Shelley," chief programmer for Cinemax After Dark, and science correspondent for the CBS Evening News. Kelley will also star in a one-man show off-Broadway and launch an e-commerce Web site. He will play the role of Blair Underwood in ABC's Sunday Night Movie, "The Blair Underwood Project."

Tuesday, 10pm
This ground-breaking Caucasian drama from Marshall Herskovitz and Ed Zwick (thirtysomething, relativity) takes a hard look at divorce in America, but unlike real divorcees, smoldering Sela Ward and Bill Campbell don't get all paunchy and desperate.

Special Episode: "You'll Never Be My Daddy" — After an evening by the fire consuming port wine cheese and Merlot, reality hits like a bucket of cold shrimp when Sela's daughter JoJo comes home with pierced nipples.

The show uses a unique narrative style to ensure its characters resonate with minorities: in each episode, Sela and Bill speak directly to the camera, as if under interrogation by police.

Wednesday, 9:30pm
When Ford, a gay man who was living a lie in a sham marriage, moves in with his high school friend Hunter, a dedicated womanizer, how will they handle each other's lively promiscuity? With Noel Coward-ish wit and locker-room boasting, respectively.

Special Episode: "One of Us" — Ford and Hunter take a break from their incessant cruising just long enough to buy a futon.

Did we mention there's a talking dog? A dog... that talks! Preview audiences in the Midwest walked out after the dog's introduction, but we're airing the show anyway to force those people to confront their childish prejudices.

Thursday, 9pm
From Kevin Williamson, the acclaimed creator of "Dawson's Creek" and "Scream I" and "II," but not, he wants to be clear, "Scream III." Rebecca Gayheart (omigod! The Noxema Girl!) is a New York City homicide detective. No wait, she's an assistant D.A. No wait, she's — well, the important thing is she's naked. Also starring other ladies and a gay gentleman.

Special Episode: "Whine and Roses" — The employed characters pine for the boho freedom of the languidly unemployed characters. The unemployed characters eat dog food to make ends meet. Someone gets laid.

A few months before airtime, a lone black character was added. This was not so much due to outside pressure, as our own boredom with the program's unrelenting whiteness.

Friday, 9:30pm
TGIF sitcom about Andrew, a guy (a guy!) living in a house full of women. TV's classic dilemma, Will They Or Won't They, is given a stomach-churning twist by the fact that Andrew is related to all the women. Viewers will be on the edge of their seats: Will Andrew ever hook up? Not that they want him to.

Special Episode: "Sister, Sister" — Andrew's female relatives take forever to primp in the bathroom. How's a 15-teen-year-old supposed to masturbate around here?

Some laughs result from Dave Barry-esque observations. Other laughs are nervous chuckles as Andrew idly sifts through his aunt's panty drawer.

Curmudgeonly racist Norm MacDonald returns for another year of social work and cold-heartedness in ABC's newest hit. In the first episode, Norm almost loses his job due to lack of forethought. Will co-worker Laurie Metcalf shake her head in bemused frustration at this twisted bigot? Yes.

Special Episode: "Gov'mint Work" — Norm bonds with an abandoned pre-teen found under piles of refuse and feces in a classic "house of horrors" case. Technically, it's a trailer of horrors.

"At this job, I see it all," chuckles the vicious misanthrope.

What could be more fun than the Midwestern misadventures of an obese degenerate? Literally hundreds of regular viewers and Maxim readers know: one obese degenerate plus a nauseatingly corpulent co-worker! But "Drew Carey" is family friendly even if Drew Carey is not. Drew never lets this program be colored by his off-screen obsessions with beer, sodomy, and re-ingesting one's own vomit.

Special Episode: "Fire in the Crotch" — Drew contracts drug-resistant chlamydia.

The storied legacy of Poles in Cleveland is implicit.

A relationship/reality game show. ABC brings together couples who once had a one night stand. Each person describes the experience and then has to answer questions based on the other person's account. Winners get one night in a fancy hotel suite to make up for the probably drunken encounter that got them on TV. But couples who can't beat the clock are ushered to a back room in the studio and have to start all over! This innovative game show airs every night for ten nights until the couples get their stories straight or are too embarrassed to show up.

Developed in conjunction with Talk magazine
A spin-off of Eddie Dean's article about spending two weeks in a trailer-park, "King of the Road" follows Dean (Drew Carey) around the country as he spends time with white trash like performance artist, Joan (Neve Campbell) and a recovering drug addict, Talya (Alyssa Milano). The two ladies live in the deep south and struggle with the very real dangers of doing in public what they do in the shower: make love.

Starring Mo'Nique!


ABC    FOX    NBC    CBS    UPN    WB