We at Viacom share your concern about the blandness and homogeneity of this fall's casts. Indeed, the "teen-age explosion" in entertainment has decimated the available talent pool of attractive, young actors. Before the merger with Viacom, this would have mattered about as much as a shortage of rocket pants. But it would be irresponsible to our shareholders not to innovate (read: ramp up a whole slew of teen shows). So in response to this crisis, CBS will use non-traditional casting in its upcoming series. Stay tuned for the mid-season replacements "Gettin' Thru High School" starring Eric Stoltz, Alfre Woodard, Bea Arthur and Max von Sydow. And there's "American Pie: The Series," starring Don Cheadle, Fisher Stevens, Kathy Baker and the late J.T. Walsh.
This is not your grandfather's CBS. Or at least, not for long.
In this family-friendly reworking of the '70s sitcom, "Three's Company," Alfred Molina ("Pick My Pocket," "La Casa de mi Padre") plays an unattractive guy (a guy!) living in a house full of women. Molina's droopy face and roly poly posture are perfectly cast, completely eradicating any sexual undertones, even in the most perverted viewer's imagination.
Special Episode: "It Sounded Like Foreplay!" Eavesdropping implies Molina having sex with Sharon Lawrence. Subsequent eavesdropping indicates Molina having sex with Park Overall. Sharon loses her keys in a Laundromat. Someone actually has sex with Betty White.
That Betty White is still a looker. Come December, this show will be canceled.
This sequel to the action smash "Martial Law" shows what a kung-fu detective does with his downtime. Kathleen Quinlan and Dixie Carter play the wife and sister-in-law of Sammo Hung. Can these acid-tongued ladies teach iron-fisted Sammo to put the toilet seat down?
Special Episode: "Sale at Macy's" The only martial art Kathleen and Dixie know is full-contact shopping. Sammo just wants to meditate and have a beer.
It will be revealed that Sammo's kung-fu master is a wise dog with the voice of Ray Charles.
From Kevin Smith ("Clerks"), comes the edgy comedy that asks, "Is she the lesbian for you?" Bruce Peterburg is drawn to Amy Brenneman, a woman who loves women and who is also incredibly attractive in a conventional way. In each episode he puts Amy to the "test," which usually involves an outrageous pretext for tongue-kissing or otherwise probing the adorable Sappho. Will Bruce prove the old saying, "You just haven't met the right guy yet. I mean, me," or will he get his testicles twisted by foul-mouthed mechanic Tyne Daly?
Special Episode: "Double-Ended Dilemma" Bruce encounters the ultimate challenge: lesbian twins.
Both butch and femme lesbians will appear.
White actor Brian Van Holt plays an ex-hockey player laboring as a co-op superintendent. White actress Paget Brewster plays the luscious high-society tenant who loves him. Perpetually drunken Swoozie Kurtz says it's against board rules to date the super, but Brewster says Cupid must have skipped that meeting.
Special Episode: "The Floater's Broke" Van Holt fixes a toilet.
The role of the super was recast to reverse the demeaning trend of depicting minorities in such roles.
Middle-aged insurance executive dies and then gets involved in a secret government experiment that puts his mind into the body of a much younger man. The first show created especially for the millions of Americans struggling to decide whether to become organ donors.
Special Episode: "Reconnaissance" The inevitable joke about looking down your pants to gawk at your new penis has been made excruciatingly funny by being drawn out over 44 minutes.
Many minorities work for the government.
Anchored by Charlie Rose, 60 Minutes II provides fresh reports on stories from 60 Minutes I. Due to your concerns, Charlie is joined by new correspondents Kool Keith and Meshach Taylor.
This season, Gary Hobson (Kyle Chandler) is surprised to find out that not only is he receiving the next day's newspaper but also next month's Ebony. Now he must take responsibility for the hottest fashions, coolest styles, and most popular fiction his African-American friends need to know about...before it's too late!
(Originally developed as "Mr. Op-Ed" starring Ed Asner) John King (Gary Coleman) was just named the first African-American metro editor of New York City's biggest tab, The World. But can he maintain his integrity in the face of the race-baiting and homo-hating that sells...and increases his bonus? With Benjamin Bratt as the plucky city columnist.
Never Too Late
A group of elderly men discover an experimental form of Viagra in their nursing home, where they live with their wives. Once the drug kicks in, they flee the home to become swinging bachelors. Their lone goal: have as much sex as possible before they die.
Special Episode: "Old Dogs, New Tricks" Word of the three old men who've taken up residence in the Wild Pony Cat House reaches a government agent who'll stop at nothing to unlock the old men's randy secret.
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