Unfortunately, the Republican National Convention is certain to attract some individuals intent on making a statement through civil disobedience or by criminal activity. Will we be ready with an appropriate response?

Absolutely. The following list demonstrates our tactical response to any act of civil disobedience.


Protesters are fond of this method of disruption. If a large amount of people occupy any of the buildings where our activities are being held, security officers will first ask them to leave. If they do not respond, security will use "reverse psychology" and pressure them to stay. This ruse always works, and usually results in less loss of life than other techniques.

It's rumored that some organizations have constructed an 80-foot papier mache float depicting a monster named "Corpzilla," which they will drive through the streets of Philadelphia in a mocking fashion. In response, we have constructed our own papier mâché monster called "Mechacorpzilla" that can easily defeat Corpzilla in battle.

Chanting and singing protest songs
Many organizations have a repertoire of political chants and songs. If protestors use the "Hey, hey, ho, ho" formulation—for example, chanting "Hey, hey, ho, ho, lackeys of giant multinational corporations have got to go," our security force will point out that their verse may rhyme but doesn't scan at all. If they chant "Two, four, six, eight, Gary Graham was murdered by the Texas state!" officers will employ tear gas and rubber bullets.

We have all seen the devastating effects of entartation, or, in layman's terms, pie-throwing. How would we respond if some dissident threw a banana cream pie at George W. Bush? What about a coconut custard winged at Trent Lott? Or imagine the same scenario, but with Elizabeth Dole and a lemon meringue? Our security officers have undergone rigorous pastry recognition training and will be able to quickly neutralize any egg- or dairy-based dessert topping.

Attempts to levitate a building
In 1967, a group who called themselves "Yippies" attempted to levitate the Pentagon with the power of their minds. What would happen if such a levitation were successfully perpetrated on, say, the Reading Terminal train shed during the Temptations' tribute to Oklahoma Congressman J.C. Watts? First, security officers would secure all doors and windows to prevent any accidental and potentially harmful sudden egress. Next, snipers would take pre-arranged positions at windows and eliminate the levitators one by one, until the building gradually settled down to earth.

Copyright 2011 Modern Humorist, Inc.
All Rights Reserved.
Modern Humorist is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.