If you think this is just an empty campaign slogan, you
don't know Al Gore and the meticulous lists he keeps of
everything except fundraisers.
sophomore, Great Lakes University, Michigan: Gore will write
Seth's term paper on "Middlemarch" for him.
31, fan of "Freaks and Geeks," Portland, OR: Gore
will introduce a rider to the Endangered Species Act which
defines certain television shows as endangered species and
calls for their protection.
43, office manager at Brimko: Gore will fix all paper jams
AND replace the toner.
15, Landing, NE: Gore will sign Anti-Donna Martuzzi-Bias
Act which makes it a crime to be biased against Donna Martuzzi,
which some people are because theyre jealous of her.
New York Times crossword editor: Gore will get a dog and
name him "RGP."
73, Lansing, MI: Gore understands the humiliation suffered
by Edna when she and Meg play euchre at the Westside Community
Center against Tanya and Angelo. Whenever they are about
to win, Tanya always locks her hands together to approximate
a "cow" and Angelo "milks" it, to indicate
that they are in the "barn." The next time this
happens, Al will visit the Westside Community Center and
slug Tanya in the stomach.
crying Indian from the pollution ad:
Gore will pick up the can.
Gore will sign the Farewell Tour Relief Act, which will
require the government to match expenses for any farewell
concert or tour.
15, Lawrencetown, GA: The next time Butch Williams calls
Billy a fag, Gore will enumerate all of the qualities that
prove Billy's heterosexuality.
Gore will begin Strategic Magnifying Glass Limitations Talks
with a delegation of third-graders.
Through combination of tax credits and executive orders,
Gore will resuscitate the American demand for mature, meaningful
6, Paramus, NJ: Gore will sign an executive order prohibiting
monsters from hiding under beds.
Gore will side with Karenna in all disputes between her
and other family members.
For magical children who are underserved by the public schools,
Gore will endorse the Hogwarts Vouchers Program.
Gore will support HL 475b, creating a $500 tax credit
for the belief of life after love.
Gore will veto all Mutant Registration Acts.
Walton, NH, who is irritated by barking of neighbors
chihuahua: Gore will declare war on Mexico.