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In a perfect world, each of us would be able to attend every single event this week, there would be no poverty or drug abuse and homeless people would have magical powers. But, as the Republicans have time and again ensured, this is not a perfect world. And so we present this short list of the most exciting convention events.

Monday 12 PM
Ceremonial distancing from President Clinton. President Clinton will stand still while Al Gore walks progressively farther from him until they can no longer see each other, at which point the band will launch into "A Different Kind of Man" by Patsy Cline.

Monday 8 PM
Jon Corzine speech. Two minutes of prime time is reserved for New Jersey Senate candidate. Note: Jon donated $35 million for this honor, so please, please, please KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE. Don't blow this for the rest of us.

Monday 8:02 PM
Evan Bayh speech. Senator Bayh will pound his fists on the floor while screaming "It's not fair, it's not fair!"

Tuesday 11 AM
Hate crimes education. An experiment will be conducted in which two laboratory mice are killed, one by a scientist who loves mice and one by a scientist who hates them. The difference will be striking. Afterwards, several death row inmates will be electrocuted on stage, just to prove we have the guts.

Tuesday 3 PM
Redistribution of wealth. Selected poor people will be brought inside to take your cash. (Remember: Monopoly money only, please!)

Tuesday 8 PM
Hillary Rodham Clinton finishes her Monday evening speech.

Wednesday 1 PM
Lecture by Hisashi Suzuki, the Japanese electronics expert who designed the first model of Vice President Gore.

Wednesday 5 PM
Piñata competition. Delegates and party functionaries attempt to dislodge cash money from a colorful piñata in the shape of a Chinese businessman.

Wednesday 9:30 PM
Inspiring documentary of Al Gore's college years, made in 1970 and starring Ryan O'Neal and Ali McGraw.

Thursday 5:30 PM
Vice President Gore formally accepts alpha male status. In his keynote address, Al Gore shakes a tree violently and bangs a rock against it. Cowed, President Clinton crouches down and presents his buttocks as the Vice President symbolically mounts him.

Thursday 7 PM
Distribution of celebratory noisemakers. We're not saying anyone should use them near Dick Cheney, but we obviously can't keep an eye on all of you at once.

Friday 1 PM
Spontaneous joking with the nominee. Vice President Gore will lay waste to claims of his stiffness by reciting witty comebacks to hecklers. If you'd like to serve as heckler, please stop by one hour early to be assigned a rude comment.

Friday 4 PM
Commemoration of the 40th anniversary of John F. Kennedy's presidential nomination. Britney Spears sings "Happy Nomination" to Al Gore. Tipper will vet the lyrics.

Friday sundown
Shabbat services. Just bow your head and hum along.

NOTE: Al Gore's concession speech has been postponed.

A Warm Welcome from
Steven Spielberg
Gore Will Fight for All People—
The Definitive List
Staples Center Floor Plan
Convention Highlights

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