With only three Barramundi members leftKeith, Tina, Colby and EduardoSurvivor Spoilsports is finally ready to reveal the identity of the one million dollar winner. But first, a look at what else youll see next week in the big seven-hour finalé, with a few flattering words about the Pontiac Aztek subtly integrated into our narrative in an entirely unforced fashion.
As the episode begins, Jeff Probst reminds the final three that there will be no more reward challenges from here on. Then he turns to Colby and says, "but since youre so fucking cool, dude, Im gonna give you another reward anyway," and he announces that Colbys mom will be allowed to stay in the Outback for the remainder of the show. "This is great!" exclaims the Colbster. "Its almost like a conjugal visit. Not in the way youre thinking, of course. Just in the sense that we have sex together." Colbys mom then tells the camera how her sons ordeals have affected him. "Theres a look in his eyes that bothers me," she says. "I hope he doesnt claw them out in a fit of rage when he realizes what weve done." Oedipus Tex replies that theres also something about his mothers eyes that bothers him, though its probably just her eye shadow.
Once again, Mark Burnett is heralded as a genius, this time for being the first person to figure out how to get someone to willingly drive a Pontiac Aztek: Give it to them free. And indeed Colby seems happy with his new vehicle. Not only is it great on the straightaways, it features standard AC, stereo and a back that converts into a waterbed with a mirror on the ceiling. Colby further accessorizes the yellow behemoth with a bouquet of wildflowers and a bumper sticker that reads, "If this SUVs a rockin dont come a knockin."
Meanwhile, Tina and Keith spend another night in their makeshift shelter, sleeping on blankets woven from clumps of Elisabeths hair. To prepare for their final appearance before the Jury, they spend most of their time grooming. Keith combs his beard while Tina weighs herself obsessively and stares into the mirror they acquired in the previous episode. "You know," she says after gazing at the wrinkled visage in the looking glass. "I think this is some kind of trick mirror. Whenever you look in it, see Yoda you do."
At the final immunity challenge, tensions run high. "It combines elements of previous challenges," explains Jeff. "You must play a giant game of Husker Du, convert kilograms to pounds using only paper and a crayon, attempt to use the bathroom, and eat four spoonfuls of Keiths rice." Then Jeff announces that in order to save everybody the trouble, hes just going to give the immunity necklace to Colby. "Dude," he says, "it just looks so good on you. When this is all over, you wanna go out for a Bud Light or something?"
At last its time for the Tribal Council to end all Tribal Councils. One by one, the Jury members give their speeches. Jerri asks Colby, "Do you still like me, or what? Because frankly voting me out really sent mixed signals." Elisabethbrace yourselfbegins weeping, protesting that "that dreamy pundit swore I was going to win!" Meanwhile, Rodger says [he doesnt care who wins ("I was the CEO of a bank, you suckers, so Ive got more dough than any of yall.") while Alicia spends her allotted time waving her finger in peoples faces, just because shes missed doing that.
But the most intense moment comes when Amber launches into a twenty minute tirade about snakes, rats, crocodiles, kangaroos, wallabies, kookaburras, and the likelihood of giving each contestant a drink of water if they were dying in the desert. When she finally wraps up, Colbys stunned reply is: "You look really familiar. Were you on the show?"
And now, the final vote. DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO WINS. In a very close decision, the tally is three votes for Colby and four votes for this years winning player: Colbys mom. And with that, Survivor has gone from 16 players to one, and CBS weekly viewer average goes from 16 million to 16. The tribe has spoken.