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The alligator in the opening montage? Her cousin is a good friend of one of our interns. That’s just one of our sources for the exclusive "Survivor" spoilers we’ll be presenting in this space every week. The really juicy stuff is written in hidden text, so you won’t accidentally learn anything you can’t handle. The really, really juicy stuff is written in hidden text and rebus form.

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With only three Barramundi members left—Keith, Tina, Colby and Eduardo—Survivor Spoilsports is finally ready to reveal the identity of the one million dollar winner. But first, a look at what else you’ll see next week in the big seven-hour finalé, with a few flattering words about the Pontiac Aztek subtly integrated into our narrative in an entirely unforced fashion.

As the episode begins, Jeff Probst reminds the final three that there will be no more reward challenges from here on. Then he turns to Colby and says,
"but since you’re so fucking cool, dude, I’m gonna give you another reward anyway," and he announces that Colby’s mom will be allowed to stay in the Outback for the remainder of the show. "This is great!" exclaims the Colbster. "It’s almost like a conjugal visit. Not in the way you’re thinking, of course. Just in the sense that we have sex together." Colby’s mom then tells the camera how her son’s ordeals have affected him. "There’s a look in his eyes that bothers me," she says. "I hope he doesn’t claw them out in a fit of rage when he realizes what we’ve done." Oedipus Tex replies that there’s also something about his mother’s eyes that bothers him, though it’s probably just her eye shadow.

Once again,
Mark Burnett is heralded as a genius, this time for being the first person to figure out how to get someone to willingly drive a Pontiac Aztek: Give it to them free. And indeed Colby seems happy with his new vehicle. Not only is it great on the straightaways, it features standard AC, stereo and a back that converts into a waterbed with a mirror on the ceiling. Colby further accessorizes the yellow behemoth with a bouquet of wildflowers and a bumper sticker that reads, "If this SUV’s a rockin’ don’t come a knockin’."

Meanwhile, Tina and Keith spend another night in their makeshift shelter, sleeping on blankets woven from clumps of Elisabeth’s hair. To prepare for their final appearance before the Jury, they spend most of their time grooming. Keith combs his beard while Tina weighs herself obsessively and stares into the mirror they acquired in the previous episode. "You know," she says after gazing at the wrinkled visage in the looking glass. "I think this is some kind of trick mirror. Whenever you look in it, see Yoda you do."

At the final immunity challenge, tensions run high. "It combines elements of previous challenges," explains Jeff.
"You must play a giant game of Husker Du, convert kilograms to pounds using only paper and a crayon, attempt to use the bathroom, and eat four spoonfuls of Keith’s rice." Then Jeff announces that in order to save everybody the trouble, he’s just going to give the immunity necklace to Colby. "Dude," he says, "it just looks so good on you. When this is all over, you wanna go out for a Bud Light or something?"

At last it’s time for the Tribal Council to end all Tribal Councils. One by one, the Jury members give their speeches. Jerri asks Colby,
"Do you still like me, or what? Because frankly voting me out really sent mixed signals." Elisabeth—brace yourself—begins weeping, protesting that "that dreamy pundit swore I was going to win!" Meanwhile, Rodger says [he doesn’t care who wins ("I was the CEO of a bank, you suckers, so I’ve got more dough than any of y’all.") while Alicia spends her allotted time waving her finger in people’s faces, just because she’s missed doing that.

But the most intense moment comes when Amber
launches into a twenty minute tirade about snakes, rats, crocodiles, kangaroos, wallabies, kookaburras, and the likelihood of giving each contestant a drink of water if they were dying in the desert. When she finally wraps up, Colby’s stunned reply is: "You look really familiar. Were you on the show?"

In a very close decision, the tally is three votes for Colby and four votes for this year’s winning player: Colby’s mom. And with that, Survivor has gone from 16 players to one, and CBS’ weekly viewer average goes from 16 million to 16. The tribe has spoken.

—Daniel Radosh

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Previous Spoilers:

Episode 12 Episode 11 Episode 10
Episode 9 Episode 8 Episode 7
Episode 6 Episode 5 Episode 4
Episode 3 Episode 2 Episode 1

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