Modern Humorist - A Nose Is a Nose
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DESPITE LOSING the SAG lead actress award to Renée Zellweger, chances are Nicole Kidman is more than a nose ahead in the Oscar race. (And an arm and a leg and two fingers.) However, impressive prosthetics don’t necessarily guarantee an Academy Award win—just ask Sally Kirkland’s breasts. Here are some famous noses that didn’t get the nod.

Pinocchio in “Pinocchio” (1940)
This tiny fella didn’t even get a nomination, and it broke his little wooden heart. The Academy claimed it was because he was animated, but film historians now agree that the Academy simply wasn’t ready for a role that appropriated and repositioned the big-nosed Jewish stereotype.

Dustin Hoffman in “The Graduate” (1967)
While some fans rave about the classic seduction scene, the real attraction here is Hoffman’s incredibly lifelike nose. A crack team of effects artists crafted the famous proboscis out of paper-mache and molted skin from Buck Henry’s skull. Crew members recall that Hoffman’s humongous honker flew off his face one day when Katherine Ross slapped him during a crucial scene. Luckily, no one was injured, except for Katherine Ross, whose career ended shortly thereafter.

Gonzo in “The Muppet Movie” (1979)
This hook-nosed wonder is a triple-threat: he sings, he acts, he breeds chickens. Although he sang his heart out in “I’m Going to Go Back There Someday,” Gonzo didn’t win an Oscar. He tried again unsuccessfully to grab Oscar’s attention in the autobiographical “Muppets in Space” (1999) before finally embarking on a porn career which includes the revolutionary “Gonzo’s Gay-ng Bang” where he participated in the first ever double-nostril-penetration scene. (Also featuring the guy who played “Evil Ed” Thompson in “Fright Night” and the kid who got his tongue stuck to a pole in “A Christmas Story”!)

Steve Martin in “Roxanne” (1987)
In this modern-day adaptation of “Cyrano de Bergerac,” writer/star Steve Martin sported the longest nose ever to hit the screen: 12 inches. Though snubbed by Oscar, Martin went on to bigger and better things, as did the prosthetic nose. It recently directed Martin's latest vehicle “Bringing Down the House” and is reportedly involved with Maggie Gyllenhaal.

Owen Wilson in, well, everything
Ever since Wilson burst onto the scene in “Bottle Rocket,” audiences have been asking the same question: “What the fuck happened to your nose, man? And now that you’re a big star, can’t you do something about it?” As the legendary Samuel Goldwyn once put it, “If you wanna win an Oscar, you better do something about the schnoz, dude.”

More Oscar Week 2003:
Oscar Ballot ’03

Day-Lewis and a Dollar Short
Deuces Wild

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